


Where My Heart Belongs

by likezoinxman



Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spy, Big Bang Challenge, It's a spy au with no real spy action, M/M, death of a minor character but popular disney star?, not sure how to warn for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-26
Updated: 2012-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-12 22:16:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/496225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likezoinxman/pseuds/likezoinxman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spy AU. After disappearing on a mission and leaving Carlos devastated, Kendall finally comes back, upturning Carlos' life once more. But Carlos has moved on and isn't going to make it easy for Kendall to win him back. Now, Kendall has to find a way to earn Carlos' trust back, along with his heart all while maintaining his secrets- the most important being where he's been and how he made his way back home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> From the original LJ post: I wrote this for Round 3 of rpf_big_bang. Much love to default_dollie for volunteering to beta and for all of her helpful feedback. You are fantastic! And to liliako for for letting me whine & complain to her about it and ask her opinion on things she probably didn't care about lol ♥♥

“I think Kendall is cheating on me.” 

The words are blurted out quickly, breaking the small lull in conversation that had developed between the three men, like Carlos had been thinking about it all day and he couldn’t hold it back anymore. And by the look on Carlos’ face it’s apparent that he hadn’t meant to say them. 

It takes a moment before Logan even realizes what Carlos has just said but when the words sink in, he chokes on the small sip of coffee he had just taken. “What?” He exclaims as he coughs, setting his cup back on the table hastily. He doesn’t care about the looks he gets from his outburst. “What the fuck makes you think that?”

“Logan, calm down,” James murmurs into his ear, placing his hand in the middle of Logan’s back between his shoulder blades. 

He takes a deep breath and nods, “Sorry,” he murmurs back before leaning forward across the table. “What the fuck makes you think that?” he repeats, whispering loudly to Carlos. 

Carlos chuckles softly, the corner of his mouth quirking up in amusement briefly before he lets out a sigh and shrugs. “I don’t know. He disappears sometimes for a few days. He says it’s for work-”

“It is,” Logan interrupts quickly, nodding his head. His heart is pounding in his chest from sudden nerves. Luckily years of training has taught him how to control that. 

Carlos stops and stares at him for a moment before he nods as well, “Okay, well…well, then there are times when he’s on the phone and as soon as I walk in he pretty much hangs up on whoever he was talking to.” 

“That doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. Maybe he’s planning some kind of surprise or something,” James suggests.

“Like what? My birthday was last month. We’ve only been together five months and we’ve already decided not to do the whole 6 month anniversary thing…”

Logan sighs heavily and scoots closer to the table. He can tell that there’s something else that Carlos is keeping from them. “And…?” he prompts and watches as Carlos flushes slightly.

Carlos looks down, mumbling just loud enough for Logan to be able to understand, “And I snooped in his phone…”

“What?” He sits back in surprise, feeling just a little wary because who knows what Carlos could’ve seen on Kendall’s phone. 

“Carlos,” James admonishes in disapproval.

“I know, I know,” Carlos starts, cutting James off, “I’m not proud of myself, okay? It was just driving me crazy not knowing what he was up to.” 

Logan drags his teeth along his bottom lip and glances at James briefly. “And what did you find?” He asks the question casually, but he leans forward again, almost on the edge of his seat, foot tapping under the table. He sees James glance at him out of the corner of his eye. 

James has known Logan long enough to know when something is bothering him and Logan feels James run a soothing hand down his back. He straightens and looks at him, flashing him a brief smile before turning back to Carlos. 

Carlos clears his throat and looks down, hands tearing at the napkin he’d been worrying in his hands. “Just some call from an unknown number and texts,” he says and of course the idiot wouldn’t clean out his inbox, Logan thinks as Carlos continues, “They were all pretty vague, just saying stuff like “Meet me at such and such hotel” or “so and so diner” but they’re all signed “xo B” and I don’t know…” he trails off, keeping his face down turned and Logan sighs. 

Fucking, Belt. 

Logan leans forward and places his hand on top of Carlos, stopping his fidgeting and waits until the other man looks up at him before smiling gently, “Come on, Carlos, Kendall’s stupid in love with you.”

Carlos just smiles wryly, “That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t wander…”

Logan shakes his head, “He’s not that kind of guy. Trust me; I’ve known him for years. He’s the most loyal person I know and he’d never betray you like that, alright?”

Carlos just sighs and nods, “I guess…”

James places his hand on Logan’s shoulder and squeezes lightly. He turns to the other man questioning, leaning into his touch slightly.

“Logan, why don’t you talk to him,” James suggests and Logan can’t help the downturn on his mouth at it.

“Why me?” It’s not like he’s Kendall’s mother or something. He wasn’t responsible for his idiotic behavior. Not anymore anyway. 

“Because he’s your friend.”

“Why’s he only my friend when he’s doing something stupid?” Logan asks petulantly but James just looks at him and he sighs, “Fiine. I’ll talk to him. But you should too, Carlos. I’m no couple’s therapist or whatever.”

\--

Logan knocks on Kendall’s apartment door sullenly. He hadn’t thought James was serious when he said for him to talk to Kendall, but apparently he had been. He kept asking him when he was going to see Kendall and pretty much froze him out until he said he’d go see him right then.

Really, he loves that James is so protective of Carlos. He understands James need to protect the other man. The two have been friends for years and were practically brothers. Logan felt the same about Kendall and if he thought anyone was hurting the blond he’d want answers too but this really wasn’t something he should get involved with. Kendall and Carlos were big boys and this was between them.

And okay, Kendall was being stupid and apparently going on missions again, but he’d gotten out of the business and cleaned his hands of anything related to it over a year ago. 

He grumbles under his breath about his stupid, gorgeous, meddling boyfriend when the door opens and his mouths snaps shut, finding himself face to face with Dustin.

“Henderson,” the other man says solemnly with a small nod of his head.

Logan resists the urge to roll his eyes, “Belt,” he replies with a responding nod.

Logan slips through the door, brushing shoulders with the other man as he does. They both shoot each other dirty looks, but say nothing as they make their way to Kendall’s kitchen.

Dustin was an alright guy and they got along well enough, as well as two spies who are obligated to get along could anyway. They would’ve gotten along better, but Dustin somehow got it in his head that Logan had stolen Kendall away from him. Which really wasn’t fair because it wasn’t his fault Kendall liked being his partner more than Dustin’s. And to be honest, he hadn’t even wanted Kendall as a partner to begin with. 

He had just lost his own partner in a brutal mission and he was still grieving her. Demi had been a good spy, the best he’d ever known. And more than that, she’d been a good friend and in the spy world that was hard to come by. 

And then suddenly some blond dirty hipster looking guy was being shoved at him and Logan was told that this was his new partner until the blond’s real partner healed from injuries partaken in their last mission. 

They were together for nearly eight months and he had expected to hate Kendall solely on the principle that he wasn’t Demi. But surprisingly, he had ended up liking Kendall. They became fast friends and even after Dustin had healed, Kendall often went on missions with him instead of the other man. 

He didn’t know why Dustin was so bitter about it though. He got to partner up with Erin and Katelyn who were both extremely beautiful. Logan would much rather be cooped up in a hotel room with one of them than a gangly limbed guy like Kendall. And who cared if they were both gay for each other, Logan was pretty positive he could get either one of them to swing his way if he really wanted to. 

Not that he did because of James, but still.

Kendall’s at the sink when they walk in. He turns at the sound of their footsteps and he grins wide when he sees Logan, “Hey! Logan, what are you doing here?” 

Logan offers a brief smile before he sighs, “I need to talk to you,” he says as he takes a seat at Kendall’s small kitchen table. It’s green with a lime green flower print on it. It’s fucking ugly and Logan has always wanted to break it so Kendall would have to get a new one. He never actually managed to do it though.

“We’re kind of in the middle of something, Henderson.” He looks up as Dustin starts to speak and scoffs.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your panties in a twist, Belt. It won’t take long.”

Dustin takes a breath and opens his mouth to reply but Kendall cuts him off, “Okay, settle down you two, don’t make me have to hose you down again,” he says with a laugh. 

Both brunets’ eyes narrow and they turn simultaneously to glare at the blond. That hadn’t been a pleasant experience. Kendall laughs again, mouth quirking up in a smirk as he leans against the counter, a glass of water in one hand. “So, what’d you want to talk about, Logan?”

Logan waits until Kendall brings the glass to his lips before opening his mouth, “Carlos thinks you’re cheating on him.”

Kendall’s eyes widen and he chokes on the liquid, water spewing out of his mouth. Logan takes a sick satisfaction out it. Payback was a bitch, he thought gleefully. “What?” the blond exclaims loudly, setting the glass on the counter. He wipes his chin with his hand as he continues to gape at Logan. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Logan shakes his head, and then half shrugs, “That’s what I thought, but he seriously thinks you’re two-timin’ him.”

“But I wouldn’t- I fucking- ” Kendall flounders for words and Logan nods, knowing exactly what Kendall wants to say even if Kendall himself can’t exactly get the words out.

“I know, I know. And I told him that but he’s got some damn good evidence stacked up against you,” Logan says, sitting back in the chair and stretching his legs out in front of him.

Kendall stares at him, clearly confused as to what he’s done to make Carlos question his loyalty. “Like what?”

“Well,” Logan starts and holds up one finger, “First off, you’re going off on mysterious ‘business trips’-

Kendall sputters and jerks forward slightly, “What am I supposed to tell him?”

Logan ignores him and continues on, holding up a second finger, “Ending phone calls as soon as he walks into the room-

Again, Kendall jerks forward, arms flying up, “It’s for his protection!”

“And then there are the texts,” Logan continues, extending a third finger.

Kendall opens his mouth to protest once more before he stops. “Wait, texts? He’s been going through my phone?”

Logan nods, “Yeah, vague texts from a mysterious ‘B’ who likes to hug and kiss,” he says looking at Dustin pointedly.

Dustin sits back in his seat and holds his arms out in front of him in a defensive manner, “Hey, don’t try to pin this on me. I’m just doing my job.”

Logan rolls his eyes, “No one’s blaming anything on you, Belt. This is all on Kendall. I thought you were getting out?” He looks at Kendall with a questioning look. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he’s kind of hurt that Kendall hadn’t told him he was working in the field again.

“I was. I am. It’s hard though, you know that.” Kendall averts his eyes as he speaks, running a hand through his hair and Logan nods. 

“Yes, I do,” he concedes, and he did know how hard it was to quit going on missions. To give up all that excitement and adventure, traveling to different cities and meeting different people. 

But he’d done it. He’d given it all up and settled into a nice safe desk job. 

For James. 

“But Carlos is worth it, right?”

Kendall’s eyes snap towards his and he gives a quick jerk of his head, “Yes, of course.” He sighs heavily in frustration and runs a hand through his hair. “This is the last one, okay? Then I’ll ask for a nice desk next to yours and we can exchange love notes about our boyfriends,” he smiles wryly and Logan rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, promises, promises,” he mutters but he’s grinning at the blond all the same. 

Their small moment is broken by Dustin, who clears his throat loudly. They both turn to look at him and he pushes his glasses up awkwardly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m gettin’ outta yer hair,” Logan mutters and pushes his chair back, getting to his feet. “Talk to Carlos before you leave though. And don’t say anything about stupid business trips, come up with something else.”

Kendall laughs, “Like, what?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know. Why don’t you go pay a visit to your brother or something.”

Kendall laughs again, amusement dancing in his eyes, “Kevin?”

“Yeah, how is old Kev-o doing anyway?”

“Living the life up in Canada, I believe.”

Logan’s eyebrows raise high on his forehead, “I thought he was up in Boston?”

Kendall laughs and shakes his head, waving a hand dismissively, “Nah, he got tired of it.”

Logan laughs and shakes his head. Kevin, of course, didn’t really exist, just like his family in Texas didn’t really exist, but he thinks maybe there really had been a Kevin at one point. He never asked though, not wanting to open any old wounds for Kendall just in case he had had a brother at one point. 

Not many people in their profession had families, though, and if they did they weren’t close. The one exception being Dustin, who had a sister that Logan made the unfortunate mistake of fucking at a Christmas party Kendall had invited him to once. In his defense, though, he had been drunk and hadn’t known she was his sister otherwise he wouldn’t have. Bro Code and all that. But Dustin didn’t seem to care and his dislike for Logan only seemed to multiply after that. Not that he blamed the other man.

He lets out another sigh and pushes himself to his feet, “Alright, well, be careful out there.” He looks at both men as he says it, because as much as Dustin annoys him, he doesn’t want him getting hurt either. 

Kendall laughs and waves his concern away with a hand, “It’s quick and easy, Logan, s’nothing to worry about. I’ll be back in like three days, four tops.”


	2. Part One

Kendall walks up the walkway nervously, heart picking up in tempo with each step that leads him closer to the porch until it’s pounding in his ears. He swallows, rubbing sweaty palms against his thighs before he reaches out and rings the doorbell.

Each second that passes before the door opens feels like forever. And when it finally does he’s finds a stranger staring back at him expectantly.

Kendall stares in confusion. “Um.”

“Yeah?” The guy is a little taller than Kendall, and a little broader too with short dark hair and blue eyes. 

Kendall feels stupid because he should’ve checked to see if Carlos even still lived at the same address. “I’m looking for Carlos?” 

The man blinks then nods and calls over his shoulder, “Yeah, hold on. Carlos, baby, there’s someone at the door for you.” 

Kendall twitches at the pet name, possessiveness and jealousy unfurling in his chest. “Just one second,” the guy says to him and he nods stiffly.

It’s not long until he’s staring into a pair of beautiful brown eyes, wide with shock and confusion. “Kendall…?”

“Carlos, babe,” Kendall begins, a small smile spreading across his face. If felt good to see Carlos again, to be in his presence again. He suddenly realizes that he doesn’t know what he should say. He hadn’t really planned anything. The only thing he had wanted was to see Carlos again, to see how he was doing. “You, uh, you look good.”

The shocked and confused look on Carlos face shifts and sudden pain blooms across Kendall’s face. He stumbles back, hands flying to his face as his eyes widen. The punch was unexpected but not unjustified, he knew but in all the time Kendall had known the other man, Carlos had never struck out in anger. He’d never even heard him raise his voice in anger. And suddenly he was doing both. 

“Where have you been?” Carlos exclaims angrily and there are tears shining in his eyes. “We were all worried about you! We thought you were dead!”

Kendall feels an ache settle in his chest at the distraught tone and he takes a step forward, reaching out for the other man. He stops short when Carlos all but flinches away from him. 

“Carlos, let me explain…” his eyes shift to a subtle movement behind Carlos and he sees that other guy standing there, worry and confusion written on his face. 

“Everything okay, sweetheart?” 

Carlos seems reluctant to look away from Kendall, slowly turning his head to look over his shoulder at the other man, “Yeah, ju-just give us a moment, okay?” he says and then his attention is back on the blond and Kendall can’t help the feeling of satisfaction he feels at that. 

“Who’s that?” The words come out softly and it’s not what he wanted to say, but he waits anyway for Carlos to answer him. 

“That’s Mark. He’s just a-” He stops and his eyes harden and he sets his jaw, “He’s my boyfriend.”

Kendall looks down, fingers twitching to reach out and touch Carlos. “Oh?”

“Yeah. What? Did you think I’d wait for you? I didn’t even know if you were coming back.”

“No, of course not. But I am back and I just. I wanted to see you. I missed you.”

Kendall watches as Carlos’ throat moves and bites his lip, “I think you should leave,” Carlos finally says and Kendall can hear the slight tremor in his voice.

“Carlos…”

“Please,” Carlos says softly and Kendall can see how hard he’s trying to keep his face blank. His heart aches thinking about what kind of pain Carlos went through while he was gone. All he wants to do is gather Carlos in his arms and make it all go away, but he doesn’t. 

Instead, Kendall sighs and bites his bottom lip again as he searches the other’s eyes for any kind of indication that Carlos was even remotely happy to see him again. All he sees is confusion, hurt and lingering anger.

“Okay, whatever you want,” he says and takes a step back. 

He sees Carlos visibly relax as he moves away and his heart clenches. After what he had to do to get back to Carlos, he isn’t going to let him go so easily, but he knows he has to bide his time. If he pushes too much too soon, he really will lose Carlos. 

He smiles at Carlos before he turns on his heel and walks away. He needs a plan and he knows the perfect person to help him out.

\--

Logan greets him more like he imagined Carlos would, the initial shock at seeing him alive and well melting into a giant grin as Logan pulls him into a tight hug before pushing him back to punch him in the shoulder and then tugging him into the apartment that he shared with James. 

“Kendall, what the fuck? What happened to your face?”

Kendall chuckles and touches the area around his mouth where he’d gotten punched. It feels tender and he has no doubt that he’s got a nasty bruise, “Carlos,” he says simply, wincing slightly at the memory.

“Carlos?”

“Yeah, I went to go see him and he punched me.”

Logan laughs, “Whaat? Little Carlitos? No way.”

Kendall sighs and flops onto the couch, “Yes way. It wasn’t exactly the greeting I was hoping for.”

“I don’t really blame him. I would’ve punched you out too if I was him. He was a right fuckin’ mess after you went missing.”

Kendall scoffs, “Seems to be doing just fine to me. Got himself a brand new boyfriend and everything.”

“Who, Mark? He’s nothing. James set Carlos up with him a couple weeks ago because he thought it was time for Carlos to move on.”

“Oh…”

Logan sits down on the couch next to him, body turned towards Kendall. “He never gave up on you, you know. Even after it’d been months, he was sure you would pop up somewhere with amnesia or something.”

Kendall chuckles at that, “I wish. I’d love to forget everything that happened…”

“That bad?”

“Worse than anything you could ever imagine.”

Logan lets out a sympathetic wince and bites his bottom lip thoughtfully. He suddenly slaps his hands onto his thighs, “Well, I think this calls for some beer,” he says, pushing himself off the couch and disappearing into the kitchen.

Kendall laughs and shakes his head. This was why Logan was his best friend. He kicks his feet back on the coffee table, crossing his legs at the ankle as he leans back against the couch cushions. 

He sobers as soon as Logan leaves the room, thinking about the truth of his escape. Everything would just be a waste if he couldn’t win Carlos back. He shifts uncomfortable, guilt twisting around his chest and gripping him tightly. 

“So, where are you staying tonight?” Logan asks as he steps back into the room. Kendall’s attention snaps towards the other man and he sits up a bit. 

“Uh, don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

Logan laughs and shakes his head, “Well, you’re welcome here if you need a place to crash.”

Kendall smiles, “Thanks man.”

Logan doesn’t ask any more questions which Kendall is grateful for. He’s not in the mood to explain where he’d been for the last six months. He doesn’t think he can ever talk about that with anyone. His stomach churns as he thinks about it and he clutches the beer bottle with both hands. 

“So, you went to see Carlos, huh?”

Kendall looks up, startled out of his thoughts and lets out a chuckle, “Yup. Probably should’ve come to see you first, though.”

Logan laughs, “Probably. You want some ice for that, by the way?” He reaches over and grabs a hold of Kendall’s chin, tilting his head to the side so he can inspect Kendall’s bruised face.

Kendall leans away from Logan until his face is freed from the other’s grasp. “Nah, I’m good.”

“I still can’t believe Carlos punched you.”

“Yeah, me either. But I deserved it. I should’ve known better than to expect him to welcome me back with open arms.”

Logan nods, “Things were pretty rough while you were gone. But just give him time, he’ll come around. I know he still loves you.”

Kendall sighs and lets his shoulders sag, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just leave him alone. He’s better off without me.” Logan suddenly reaches out and slaps him across the face. “Ow, what the fuck was that for?” he asks angrily, hand on his face, trying to rub the sting away. 

“Because you’re being stupid and as your friend I’m obligated to smack some sense into you,” Logan explains and leans forward, “Carlos loves you. He’s just hurt right now. You know that.”

Kendall sighs again, “Yeah, I just don’t know how to make it right. I really screwed up.” He lets his head fall back against the back of the couch and closes his eyes. 

“Now’s probably not the best time to say I told you so, but…” Kendall’s eyes snap open and he rolls his head to the side to glare at the other man, who’s grinning slightly. 

His hand flies out and lands a solid hit against Logan’s chest. “Jackass,” he mutters but grins back, “Some friend you are.”

“Best damn friend you’ll ever have.”

Kendall rolls his eyes before closing them once more. They’re silent for a moment before Logan breaks it. 

“Hey, Kendall.”

He raises his eyebrows in question but keeps his eyes closed, “Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re not dead.”

Kendall chuckles dryly, “Me too.”

\--

Kendall sighs and knocks on the third and hopefully last door of the day. He’s still a little surprised at how pissed James was at him, throwing him out of his and Logan’s apartment after his initial surprise at finding him kicking back on his couch. 

Of course, Kendall’s refusal to explain his disappearance probably had a lot to do with it. And he has to admit that he’s really grateful that James is so fiercely protective of Logan and Carlos. He knows he screwed up, especially when it came to Carlos. He knows James is perfectly justified in his anger and Kendall doesn’t blame him one bit. 

He just hadn’t wanted to end up here at Dustin’s door. He knew he could trust Dustin. They’d been through a lot together and he knew that if it came down to it, Dustin would have his back, just like every other time. He just didn’t want to make Dustin choose between his loyalties to the agency and Kendall. 

But he has nowhere else to go. 

The door opens and Dustin’s eyes widen briefly when he sees him. “Kendall!” 

Kendall chuckles and reaches up to scratch at the back of his neck sheepishly, “Hey, Dustin.”

Dustin’s mouth opens and closes for a moment before he sputters out, “What are you- How did- What happened to your face?” 

Kendall laughs and touches his cheek, “Carlos,” he says in explanation, “Can I come in?”

Dustin nods and steps back, opening the door wider as he moves out of the way. Kendall hurries into the apartment. He hears Dustin close and lock the door as he heads for Dustin’s couch, plopping himself down. He stretches his legs out in front of him as he flings his arms out on either side of himself. 

Dustin takes a seat on the edge of his coffee table and watches Kendall silently. Kendall is starting to get a little weirded out when Dustin finally speaks “So what happened?” and Kendall lets out a long sigh.

“I really don’t want to talk about it right now,” he says quietly, looking away.

He hears Dustin exhale heavily, “We need to talk about it, Kendall. Where have you been?”

Kendall closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly “I know we need to talk about it. And I promise we will, but not right now. Please?” He puts on his best pleading expression and waits in apprehension, body tense.

Dustin sighs and looks down briefly before he pats his thighs once and returns his gaze to Kendall, “Fine. Are you hungry? I was just about to start dinner.”

Kendall smiles gratefully, once again relaxing against the cushions, “Yeah, I’m starving.”

Dustin nods and disappears into the kitchen. Kendall watches him go before he sits up, looking around the small apartment.

It looks the same as always which warms Kendall’s heart a little bit. If nothing else, he can always count on Dustin to never change. The apartment is still dimly lit, the same run-down, mismatched furniture taking up space in the living room. It feels good, like home, and he lets out a small, contented sigh as he relaxes back into the worn sofa cushions. It’s not the prettiest thing in the world, but it makes up for it by being the most comfortable thing Kendall had ever lain on. 

He lets his mind wander, thinking about how he’s going to get Carlos to talk to him and how he is going to stay under the radar. He’s going to need to get a job and get a place of his own, not wanting to burden Dustin longer than he needs to. 

He ignores the small voice that says that it would have been easier if he had just gone to another city and started over with a new identity. He’d thought about it briefly on his way back to L.A. But he just couldn’t do it. He needs Carlos; can’t bear the thought of being away from him any longer than he already has been. 

He knows it’s going to take some effort, but it’d be worth it to be with Carlos again. To be happy again. He just needs to get Carlos to talk to him long enough for him to convince him that they belong together. 

He just needed to get his shit together. 

He drifts off to sleep without realizing it and before he knows it Dustin is kicking him lightly in the leg to wake him up. He sits up straight, eyes wide and breathing erratically. “What?”

“Dude, calm down. Dinner’s ready.”

Kendall gasps for breath, blinking rapidly up at Dustin before he nods, “Right. Sorry.”

Dustin looks at him worriedly, “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine. Just surprised me is all.”

Dustin doesn’t look too convinced but he just nods and turns away, heading back into the kitchen. Kendall shakes his head, running his fingers through his sweat damp hair and takes a deep shuddery breath. He’s used to the nightmares, but they still rattle him up from time to time. He pushes himself off of the couch and stretches, letting out a small groan before he follows Dustin into the kitchen.

Dustin’s setting two bowls down at the table when Kendall enters.

“Mac and cheese?”

“Shut up. It’s all I have.”

Kendall grins, “Hey, I didn’t say anything. I love mac and cheese.” And it’s a lot better than what he’d been eating for the past six months. 

Dustin glares at him sullenly and Kendall’s grin widens. 

They sit quietly at Dustin’s small round table, bowls of mac and cheese in front of them. Kendall knows he can trust Dustin, that if it came down to his loyalty to Kendall or to the agency, he’d choose Kendall. They’d known each other for too long and gone through too much together for Kendall to doubt that. But even still, he feels nervous. He needs to find a place of his own soon but he can’t do that without any money. 

He clears his throat softly, looking up at Dustin across the table, “So I went to the bank earlier and all my accounts are frozen. You think you can fix that.”

“Of course I can.”

There’s a heavy pause and Kendall rolls his eyes, “Will you?”

Dustin’s mouth stretches into a small grin, “Of course, man, you don’t even have to ask.”

Kendall smiles, “Thanks. Can you do it without alerting anyone about it?”

“I feel a little insulted Kendall. I’m not an amateur.”

Kendall laughs, “Okay, okay. Geeze, I was just asking.”

Dustin rolls his eyes and sets his spoon down into his bowl, “So I take it you’re not going to be checking in, then?”

Kendall shakes his head, “No. I’m done with all that. I just want to live my life.”

“They’ll find out eventually, you know.”

“How? As far as they’re concerned, I’m dead. I don’t see how they’d be checking up on my activity.”

Dustin takes a moment to weigh Kendall’s words before he sighs. “Well, Jordan’s coming over tomorrow to go over some intel. I suggest you not be here when he arrives.”

Kendall perks up, one eyebrow quirking up slyly, “Jordan? Who’s Jordan?”

“Jordan Gavaris. My new partner.”

Kendall grins, noticing the way Dustin’s cheeks were beginning to color. “ _What?_ Mixing pleasure with business, Dbelt? That’s not like you. Should I be jealous?”

“Shut up. It’s not like that. I was just saying that he knows who you are and he might talk.”

“Not if you ask him nicely not to.”

Dustin shakes his head, “He doesn’t owe me anything. There’s no guarantee he’ll keep quiet even if I were to ask him not to tell anyone about you.”

Kendall frowns, but he nods. “Okay, I was planning on heading over to Carlos’ anyway to try to get him to talk to me.”

Dustin’s spoon clinks against the table loudly. Kendall looks up sharply and find Dustin staring at him. “What?”

“Are you sure that’s such a good idea? I mean, he obviously wasn’t so happy to see you today.”

Kendall frowns, “So what? He’s the only reason I came back here. I’m not just going to roll over just because he’s mad at me right now.”

“I’m not saying that. Look, I’m pulling for you, really. I know how much you care about him, but the guy thought you were dead. And you just popping up out of nowhere like this? Give him some time to cope with it before you try forcing yourself into his life again.”

Kendall presses his lips together in a thin line, taking in Dustin’s words. He can see where Dustin is coming from, but he can’t waste any time. “No, I’m going to see him tomorrow.”

“And tell him what? You can’t tell him the truth.”

“I know that.”

“Then what? He’s going to want answers.”

“I _know_!” Kendall sighs and slumps down in his seat, “I don’t know what I’m going to say yet, okay. But I’ll think of something.”

Dustin sighs and settles back in his chair. “Well, good luck, then.”

Kendall frowns and stabs his spoon into his bowl of mac and cheese. Dustin is right. Carlos is going to want answers and he won’t be able to tell him the truth. He spends the rest of the night thinking about what to tell Carlos. By the time he drifts off to sleep on Dustin’s couch, he still doesn’t know what to do.


	3. Part Two

Kendall wakes with a start, sitting up quickly on the couch. He looks around, heart hammering in his chest. The room is dark and he can’t find a clock anywhere to check the time. 

Taking a deep breath, he settles back onto the couch and places a hand over his chest, feeling his heart beating against his palm, slowly receding back to its normal tempo. He had hoped that he wouldn’t have any more nightmares now that he was home, but he knew he had just been fooling himself.

With a sigh, he tries to go back to sleep, closing his eyes and relaxing his body but he can’t get comfortable. The shirt Dustin had let him borrow to sleep in is soaked through with sweat, and the blanket feels stifling. With an annoyed sigh he sits up, throwing the blanket to the floor. 

He leans over and fumbles with Dustin’s lamp in the dark, grabbing it with one hand as he reaches up with the other. He lets out a groan as he manages to flick it on, eyes closing instinctively against the sudden brightness of the bulb. He presses the heel of his hand against his eyes, trying to ease the ache he feels behind them. 

He shakes his head and gets up, catching himself on Dustin’s coffee table when he stumbles slight before he makes his way to the bathroom. It’s not until he’s out of the shower that he realizes that he doesn’t have any clothes. He lets out a frustrated sigh and dries off quickly wrapping the towel around his waist then trudging back to the living room. 

He hadn’t thought about it before but now he wonders where all of his belongings were. Had Dustin thrown it all out or was it all still in his apartment? He can’t imagine Dustin or Carlos continuing to pay his rent when they thought he was dead and he hadn’t even thought to go check when he got back. 

He pushes the thoughts away, deciding to wait until Dustin wakes up to question him about it. 

\--

Dustin stumbles into the kitchen about an hour later. Kendall looks up from the table and laughs, “Well, good morning, sunshine.” Dustin grumbles and shoots him a dark look, which only makes Kendall laugh again. “I made some coffee if you want some.”

Dustin doesn’t respond, just trudges to the counter and grabs a cup from the cabinet before pouring himself some coffee. 

Kendall watches him take a sip, “I made breakfast too.”

“Have I mentioned that I’m glad you’re back?”

Kendall laughs and finishes off his cup of coffee, “Love you too, Dbelt,” he says, then holds his cup out towards the other man.

Dustin sets his mug down on the counter and grabs the coffee pot, stepping over to pour Kendall another cup. 

“So, hey, I was wondering where all my stuff was,” he says as Dustin shuffles to the stove, lifting the lid from the pan of eggs and bacon Kendall had left for him. Dustin glances over his shoulder as he takes a bite out of a strip of bacon and stares at him.

“It’s in storage,” he says, placing the lid back on the pan. 

Kendall arches an eyebrow, “Really? I would’ve thought you would’ve just thrown it all out or something.”

Dustin nods, “I wanted to but Carlos wanted to put it up in a storage unit.”

“Oh. Well, do you have the key?”

Dustin shakes his head. “Carlos has it.”

Kendall grins and thanks the universe for giving him the perfect excuse to go see Carlos. “Awesome.”

\--

Kendall is stepping onto Carlos’ doorstep less than an hour later. It’s a Saturday morning so he knows Carlos is home. He knocks and takes a step away from the door, burying his hands in his pockets stiffly as he waits. 

Carlos opens the door a few moments later and stares at Kendall in surprise. Kendall smiles softly, lifting one hand in greeting, “Hey.”

Carlos narrows his eyes, “What are you doing here?” Kendall ducks his head, heart breaking at Carlos’ tone- hard and accusing. 

“Dustin told me you had the key to my, um, storage unit,” Kendall says, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. It’s taking all of his self-control not to reach out and touch Carlos, to pull him in close and just hold him. 

Carlos stares for a moment then nods quickly, “Uh, yeah, I do. Let me go get it,” he says, turning away from the door. He leaves the door open while he disappears into the house. 

Kendall stands at the door awkwardly before he steps inside, hand on the door jamb. “Is it okay if I come in?” 

He waits but Carlos doesn’t respond, “Carlos?” He steps further into the house and closes the door behind him. He looks around, pleased that nothing has changed. The furniture is still in the same place and the warm feeling of being at home is still there. 

He smiles as he walks across the living room, hearing a noise coming from the kitchen. “Hey,” Kendall says as he steps into the other room. 

Carlos looks up at him from rummaging through one of the drawers. “I can’t remember where I put it,” he says as he pushes the drawer closed.

Kendall shakes his head and smiles, “Its fine. I just wanted to get some of my clothes, but I can just borrow Dustin’s till then.”

Carlos sighs and leans against the counter, “It’s either here, or in my room. I just can’t remember,” he says, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. 

Kendall takes a moment to let his eyes travel up and down Carlos’ body. He’s wearing a pair of sweatpants and an old faded shirt but he still looks good. 

He licks his lips, “I can help you look for it in your room,” he says, one eyebrow arched suggestively. 

Carlos presses his lips together tightly and sends Kendall a look. “Kendall...”

Kendall grins at the warning tone, “What? I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to. Your eyebrows said it all.”

Kendall laughs, “Hey, I can’t control what they say. They’ve got a mind of their own,” he says waggling his eyebrows. 

Carlos laughs and shoves Kendall gently, “You’re stupid.”

“But you love me anyway, right?” Carlos’ smile slowly fades away and Kendall grimaces “Sorry,” he says solemnly. Carlos looks away and Kendall feels like kicking himself. “I’m sorry, Carlos. I never wanted to leave you like that.”

“Then why did you?

Kendall takes a deep breath, “I…” He still doesn’t know what to say to Carlos, how he can explain where he’s been without actually telling him. “It’s complicated.”

“How complicated can it be? Just tell me where you’ve been for the past six months.”

Kendall closes his eyes briefly, “I can’t, Carlos. I want to, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just can’t. Please try to understand.”

Carlos shakes his head and looks away, “Mark’s going to be here any minute, you should leave. I’ll look for the key later and call you when I find it, is that okay?”

Kendall studies Carlos carefully, fingers twitching at his sides before he sighs and nods. “Yes, of course. Take your time,” he says with a small reassuring smile. 

Carlos walks Kendall to the door and they stand there facing each other for a few moments. Kendall can’t resist any longer. He reaches up and places his hand on Carlos’ shoulder, fingertips brushing against Carlos’ neck. 

Carlos’ eyes flutter shut but he doesn’t move away and Kendall does it again, reveling in the small touch of skin on skin. He wants more but Carlos pulls away before he can do anything else. “Don’t,” Carlos say softly and the helpless tone pains Kendall. 

He lets his hand drop down to his side, “I just missed you so much.”

“Me too, Kendall but you can’t just show up and expect everything to go back to normal.”

“I know. I didn’t think it would. I know I screwed up and it’s going to take a lot to make up for it. I just want the chance to.”

“I can’t…Mark’s a great guy-”

“Logan says it’s not serious,” Kendall cuts in because he doesn’t want to hear how great Mark is, how nice and amazing he is, how much better he is than Kendall. 

Carlos frowns, brows bunching together and Kendall regrets saying anything. “What does Logan know?”

Kendall sighs, “Not much apparently,” he says then takes a deep breath. “I’ll get out of your hair now. Just give Dustin a call when you find the key.”

Carlos nods. “I will.”

As he leaves, Kendall’s not sure if he was any closer to getting back into Carlos’ good graces or if he had just made it worse. Either way, he’s glad that Carlos hadn’t just slammed the door in his face when he first showed up and it won’t be his last opportunity to see Carlos. He’s grateful that Carlos wasn’t able to find the key because now he had a real reason to keep dropping by. 

He knows Carlos knows that he won’t be able to keep his guard up around Kendall for long. Kendall knows how to get around Carlos’ defenses, knows how to make him laugh and how to make him happy. 

It was only a matter of time before Carlos forgave him.

At least that’s what Kendall hopes. 

\--

Kendall sighs as he flips through the channels. He’s lying on Dustin’s couch bored out of his mind. He wants to go out and get things he’s going to need. Like a new phone so he won’t have to rely on Dustin’s. But he doesn’t really have any money to his name and he can’t get a job because he can’t do anything under his current name without alerting the government that he is alive and kicking. 

The thought has him glancing over at Dustin who is sitting on the sofa chair with his laptop. “Hey, Dbelt…”

Dustin looks up and the words are right on the tip of his tongue. ‘I need help.’ But he doesn’t say them. He can’t. He knows what will happen if he does and he’s just gotten out of one prison. He doesn’t want to get thrown into another. 

“Have you managed to get into my bank accounts yet?”

“I did it yesterday.”

“Really?” Kendall flips over onto his stomach, resting his chin on the armrest. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You didn’t ask. And you seemed pretty preoccupied with Carlos. I didn’t have a chance to bring it up.”

“Oh.” Kendall sits up and waits for Dustin to say something. But Dustin just shifts his attention back to his laptop and continues to clack away at it. He sighs and rolls his eyes, “Well?”

“I made an account for you under my name. Your card should come in the next few days.”

Kendall grins, “Awesome,” he says and gets up. He crosses the short distance between the two sofas and leans over, grabbing Dustin’s head and placing a noisy kiss to the top of his head. “You’re the best.”

Dustin rolls his eyes and leans away from him, an annoyed look on his face. He opens his mouth but his phone goes off before he can say anything. With a snap of his jaw, he reaches over and grabs it from the coffee table. 

“It’s Carlos,” he says as he checks the screen.

Kendall’s eyes widen and he snatches the phone out of Dustin’s hand. Pressing the answer button, he plasters the phone to his head, “Hello?”

After a quick conversation of Carlos telling him that he found his key and he could come over and get it anytime, Kendall hangs up and hands the phone back to Dustin. He sits down on the couch and is shoving his feet into his shoes when Dustin speaks up.

“Kendall.”

Kendall glances up distractedly, “Yeah?”

“About Carlos…” Dustin trails off, looking down at his phone. 

“Dude, I know what you’re going to say and I’m going to try to take it slow with him, okay? I know if I try to force my way into his life again, I’ll only push him further away.”

Dustin shakes his head, “That’s not what I was going to say.”

Kendall quirks an eyebrow. “Then what?” 

Dustin doesn’t say anything for a short moment before he shakes his head. “It’s nothing,” he says with a small smile.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it can wait for later.”

Kendall grins and slaps his hands down on his thighs lightly before getting to his feet, eager to see Carlos again. “I’ll see you later, then.”

\--

Kendall follows behind Carlos down the dimly lit corridor, trying his hardest not to check out Carlos’ ass as he walks. It’s not like Carlos would’ve known but there’s no reason to torture himself like that. 

Carlos suddenly stops and turns towards a door, “It’s this one,” he says glancing over at Kendall. 

Kendall nods and shuffles forward, digging the key out of his pocket. He grabs the padlock and quickly opens it, taking it off to open the door and shoving it into his pocket. He peers into the room and reaches up to pull the string attached to the light bulb.

He surveys the stack of boxes within the small storage room, before he walks in and starts looking at each one. They’re all labeled with black marker, kitchen, dishes, living room, movies but none of them are what he’s looking for.

He glances over at Carlos who stayed back by the door, “Please tell me you packed these and not Dustin or Logan.”

“No, I did,” Carlos says with a quick jerk of his head. 

“Good. At least they’ll be in some semblance of order then.” Kendall grins slightly at the other man before he goes back to checking out the boxes, looking for ones labeled ‘clothes’.

Carlos forces out a chuckle and Kendall glances over at him once more, brows furrowed slightly. “You okay?”

Carlos meets his gaze and shakes his head, “Not really. No.”

Kendall frowns. “What’s wrong?” Carlos had been quiet the whole ride over but Kendall had figured it was because of him.

But Carlos is shaking his head slightly now and gesturing towards the stack of boxes. “This. It was so hard to pack everything up and bring it here. It was like I finally accepted you were gone for good.”

Carlos looks like he’s on the verge of tears and Kendall weaves his way back to the doorway as fast as he can, instantly pulling Carlos into his arms. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what else to say. Nothing will make the pain he put Carlos through go away. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats into Carlos hair, holding him tightly. Carlos is shaking slightly in his arms and Kendall can feel him clutching at the back of his shirt. 

He tightens his grip on Carlos and holds him until he relaxes against him then continues to hold him until Carlos is pulling away. He hesitantly releases him and steps back, looking down at Carlos with concern. 

Carlos keeps his head ducked down as he reaches up and rubs the heel of his hands into his eyes. “Sorry,” he whispers and clears his throat roughly. 

Kendall reaches up and gently lifts Carlos face to meet his gaze, “Don’t be. I’m the asshole here, remember?”

Carlos lets out a small laugh and nods, “Yeah, you are,” he says and a small grin spreads across Kendall’s face. 

Neither says anything for a small moment and Kendall licks his lips quickly as his eyes flick down to Carlos’ mouth. Without thinking about it, he leans down but Carlos jerks away, turning his face away and Kendall sighs, letting his hand fall back to his side. 

“I’ll help you find the boxes you need,” Carlos says, voice shaking slightly and moves away from Kendall. 

Kendall watches as he walks further into the dimly lit room, ducking down to read the boxes. “Great. Thanks.”

\--

The next afternoon, Kendall knocks softly on Carlos’ open classroom door, peering in curiously to make sure he is alone. 

Carlos looks up in surprise, brows furrowing in confusion when he sees that it’s him. “Kendall. What are you doing here?”

“I brought you lunch,” Kendall says with a grin, hefting the paper bag he holds in his other hand.

“How did you-”

“I figured you’d have the same lunch time,” Kendall interrupts with a smile.

“I already have a lunch, though.”

“Throw it out because I guarantee you this is way better.”

Carlos chuckles, rolling his eyes a bit as he shakes his head, “What is it?”

“Turkey Clubs!” Kendall waves the bag enticingly and watches as the corners of Carlos’ eyes crinkle when he smiles. 

“Okay, that is better than what I have.”

“Let me guess…a pathetic ham and cheese sandwich?” 

Kendall laughs at the slightly petulant look Carlos sends him and moves further into the room, plopping the bag onto Carlos’ desk. He sits on the corner and watches as Carlos hesitantly opens the bag, peering in. 

He looks up and arches an eyebrow curiously, “Two?”

Kendall grins. “Yep, one for you,” he says pointing at Carlos then turns his finger onto himself, “And one for me.”

Carlos frowns slightly, “Kendall…”

His grin turns nervous. “What?”

“You can’t just drop in out of the blue like this. What if Mark had been here?”

“Well, I would’ve called but I still haven’t gotten a new phone yet.”

“Please don’t mess things up for me, Kendall. Not again,” Carlos pleads, sounding tired and sad. Kendall wonders if Mark has been giving Carlos a hard time about Kendall coming back. 

“I’m not trying to! I was bored and wanted to see you. I just want to be friends, Carlos. I swear. I miss spending time with you.”

Carlos doesn’t say anything, a thoughtful look on his face and then he sighs. “Alright,” he says eventually and sits down. The bag rustles softly as he pull out a club sandwich and Kendall looks around the room for the wooden chair Carlos keeps in the room for non-third grader guests. 

He finds it in the corner, where it’s always been, and goes over to drag it over to Carlos’ desk. Carlos hands him his club and for a moment, Kendall lets himself pretend that everything is normal, that the past six months never happened and Carlos is still his as they eat silently. 

But then he shakes it off, mentally slapping himself for being a fool and looks around the classroom, smiling softly. “So how are your kids?”

Carlos looks up in surprise at the question before he nods, humming softly in acknowledgement, “They’re good. They’ll be leaving me soon. I’m going to miss them.”

Kendall smiles, “That’s gotta suck. Getting attached to them only for them to move on.”

Carlos nods again, smiling wistfully, “It does a little. But I’ll still see them around. And some of them might end up with James next year so I know they’re in good hands. I’m just really proud of them all. They’re great kids.”

“You’re a great teacher. If I had a teacher like you I probably would’ve paid a lot more attention in school.” Carlos ducks his head, smiling softly and Kendall feels warm all over. Before he can stop himself he’s putting his hand over Carlos’. “I missed you, Carlos.”

“I missed you too, Kendall.”

“Then why can’t you give me a chance to make things better between us?”

“Kendall…” 

Carlos sounds weary and Kendall knows he’s pushed too far. He leans forward and squeezes Carlos’ hand gently. “I just want to be friends. We were friends before we started dating, right?”

Kendall tries not to think about the fact that he had wanted to be more almost from the moment he met Carlos. If friendship was all that Carlos was willing to give him, then he’d take it. 

He could wait for me. 

Carlos smiles and subtly slides his hand from under Kendall’s, chuckling, “You mean back when you picked on me all the time and purposely moved things out of place just to annoy me?”

Kendall laughs, “What? You’re cute when you get pissed,” he grins at the look Carlos gives him, “Okay, okay, I’ll be a nicer friend this time. I promise.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m kind of hurt that you don’t believe me. Just ask Logan or Dustin. Best damn friend they ever had.”

“I don’t doubt it. I just don’t think _we_ can be friends. Not anymore.”

Kendall swallows thickly, “Can we at least try? I just- I miss you so much Carlos. You were all I can think about while I was gone.”

Carlos is silent for a moment and Kendall watches as his throat works gently, “Where did you go? If you could tell me that then it would be easier to forgive you,” he says softly, looking down at his desk.

Kendall bites his lip and shakes his head, “I already told you that I can’t tell you. Just trust me when I say that you’re better off not knowing.”

Carlos scoffs and Kendall knows he’s lost him. “I don’t get you. You say you want to be friends, which by the way, I don’t believe for a second because I _know_ you, but you can’t even give me a straight answer about one little thing.”

“Carlos-”

Carlos shakes his head and cuts him off. “No! You know what? Thanks for lunch but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t visit me again.”

“Carlos, please-”

“I have a meeting I need to get to.”

Kendall knows Carlos is lying but he doesn’t press the issue. “Okay, I’m sorry,” he says getting to his feet. Carlos stands up as well and he turns to him desperately, “I’d tell you if I could. Don’t you think I’d love to just tell you everything and make you understand?”

“Please, leave.” Carlos’ voice is strained with emotion and it takes every ounce of Kendall’s self-control not to pull Carlos into a hug, bury his face in Carlos’ shoulder and just forget everything. But he knows that Carlos would just push him away and he’s not emotionally strong enough to endure that. 

He swallows thickly and nods. “I’m sorry,” he says again and licks his suddenly dry lips. 

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true. I’m _so_ sorry, Carlos. I love you.”

“Then why did you lie!”

Kendall leans back from Carlos’ outburst, arms flinging out like he wants to shove Kendall. Kendall opens and closes his mouth as he tries to think of what to say. 

He doesn’t get the chance because Carlos continues, “You said you were going to visit your brother. You don’t have a brother, Kendall!”

Kendall swallows, mind whirring as he tries to find something, _anything_ to say. “Carlos, I can-”

“You never came back and I didn’t know what to think.”

Carlos looks on the verge of tears and Kendall can feel his eyes prickling with unshed tears as well. He takes a step forward, arms opening but Carlos moves away, holding up a hand to stop him. “Just leave me alone. I wish that you never came back.”

The words hit him hard and he swallows tightly, “I’m sorry.” It’s all he knows how to say and he means it from the bottom of his being. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you anymore. I promise.”

Carlos looks at him, eyes red-rimmed and shining brightly with unshed tears. Kendall swallows again and looks away, “I- Goodbye…” he turns and quickly leaves, heart feeling heavier than ever. 

He also wishes he had never come back, if only to spare Carlos the heartache he was putting him through.


	4. Part Three

Kendall spends the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. He knows he has other things he needs to be concentrating on but he can’t seem to focus on any of it. He gets to the point where he doesn’t want to think about anything so he pushes the thoughts aside and decides to go see Logan instead. 

When he knocks on the apartment door, he expects to see either Logan or James when it swings open. He wasn’t prepared to see Carlos, staring at him in surprise. 

His eyebrows shoot up, eyes widening, “Carlos! What are you doing here?”

Carlos looks uncomfortable and shifts his weight from one foot to the other, “We always have dinner here on Thursdays,” he explains slowly. 

Kendall’s brows furrow, “We?”

Carlos looks away, glancing over his shoulder nervously, “Um, me and Mark.”

“Oh, right.” A dead feeling settles in his stomach. He shouldn’t have been surprised. He and Carlos used to have dinner at Logan and James’ every week too. Why would that change just because Carlos got a new boyfriend? “I’ll, uh, just go then,” he says, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. 

He’s about to spin around when he hears Logan. “Who is it?”

Carlos turns away from the door as Logan comes into view. “Oh, hey, Kendall. What’s up?”

Kendall shrugs, “Nothing. Was just bored. Thought we could hang out or something.”

Logan grins widely, “Hey, sure. Dinner’s almost ready. You wanna stay?”

Kendall shakes his head, “Nah, I’m good. I don’t want to intrude or anything.”

“Don’t be stupid. There’s plenty for everyone.”

Kendall takes a step back, “Logan, I really shouldn’t.”

“Why not? You’re my best friend and you can stay for dinner if I want you to.” Logan doesn’t really give him much of a choice after that, reaching out and grabbing his arm. Kendall lets himself be tugged into the apartment and shoots Carlos an apologetic look. 

He really had intended to keep his last promise.

\--

Dinner is just as awkward as Kendall expects it to be. They sit him at the end of the table between Logan and Carlos and he spends half the dinner wanting to strangle Logan because he just sits there with a forced smile on his face like everything is perfectly normal. 

He tries to excuse himself several times but Logan insists that he stays, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him back down when he tries to get up. And then James and Carlos also insist that he stay. Kendall knows they’re just being polite because he knows how awkward it must be for Carlos to have him there and James has had a stick up his ass around him ever since he got back. 

Mark’s the only one that doesn’t say anything to him which is fine with Kendall. The less said between them the better. 

They eat in a terse silence, Carlos and Logan the only ones trying to make polite conversation. 

“This is really good, you guys,” Carlos says. 

Logan grins, “Thanks. I made it.”

James rolls his eyes and smacks Logan lightly on the shoulder. “ _I_ made it.”

Logan sticks his tongue out at James and shoves him gently. “And _I_ helped.”

“If by helped you mean shoving your fingers in everything,” James grumbles but Kendall can tell that he’s trying hard not to smile. 

“Gotta make sure everything tastes good.”

Carlos laughs and James rolls his eyes again, a small smile on his face. Kendall feels an ache in his chest at the sappy, in-love looks James and Logan exchange. He glances at Carlos and catches his eye for a second before the other man looks down at his plate. 

Kendall wants to say something - he doesn’t know what - but then his eyes flicker over to Mark sitting beside Carlos. He’s giving Kendall a dark look while he reaches over for Carlos’ hand. Kendall grits his teeth, trying to ignore the spike of jealousy that courses through him. 

Carlos looks up in surprise at Mark, then gives him a small smile that Kendall can tell is forced before freeing his hand and letting it fall to his lap. Kendall can’t help but flash Mark a self-satisfied smirk, watching as the other man’s ears burn red from embarrassment. 

Logan clears his throat and Kendall’s gaze flicks back to him, “So, what are you guys making tomorrow?” Logan’s looking across the table at Carlos but his eye flicks over to Mark as well.

“Tomorrow?” Kendall feels stupid asking because it’s obvious what Logan meant.

Logan shifts in his seat, suddenly looking uncomfortable while Carlos clears his throat gently, “Um, yeah. Logan and James come over to my place for dinner tomorrow night.”

Kendall nods, and looks down at his plate. “Right, right.”

“You can come too if you want.”

Everyone’s eyes snap to Carlos and he flushes a little under the scrutiny. Kendall wants to lean over and kiss every inch of darkened skin. 

“What?” Mark and James echo each other perfectly, both wearing matching expressions of shock on their faces. 

Carlos looks at each of them and shrugs, “What? We’re friends, right?” Carlos is looking at James as he speaks but Logan jumps in. 

“Right! It’ll be fun for all of us to spend more time together, right?” He directs the last bit at James, and Kendall can see the taller brunet starting to crack as both Logan and Carlos watch him earnestly. 

James eventually plasters on a smile so fake that Kendall wants to laugh and nods, “Right. Fun. It’ll be nice for Kendall, Carlos’ _ex_ -boyfriend to get to know Mark, Carlos’ _new_ boyfriend.”

Carlos laughs, the sound tight and forced. “We’re just friend. Right, Kendall?”

Kendall nods, trying to grin but sure it looks just as fake as James’ smile. “Right. Just friends. That’s all.” 

He honestly doesn’t want to go, but if it puts James on edge like this and pisses off Mark then he’ll be there with fucking bells on.

\--

Kendall shows up early. He doesn’t know why but he feels nervous, stomach in knots. It’s just dinner and he’s going to be the awkward fifth wheel again but he doesn’t care. Because he’s going to be spending time with Carlos in his _home_ which had always felt more like home to Kendall than his apartment ever did. 

He knocks and waits, Carlos opening the door moments later. The smile that spreads across Carlos’ face when he sees Kendall has him clenching his fists tight, nails digging into his palms. All he wants is to grab Carlos and pull him in for a kiss. He feels like he’s going crazy the longer he goes without doing so.

“Hey, Kendall. You’re early.”

Kendall blinks, shaking off the thoughts, “Uh, yeah, I guess I overestimated travel time,” he says laughing lightly.

Carlos smiles again and pulls the door open wider, making room for Kendall to come in. “Dinner’s not ready yet but do you want a beer or something?”

Kendall shakes his head, “I’m good,” he says and follows Carlos into the kitchen. Mark is standing by the stove stirring something in a pot when they walk in. He glances over at them, expression hardening when he sees Kendall. 

“Hey,” Kendall says, walking over to sit at Carlos’ table. “You need help with anything?”

“Hey,” Mark says tightly, “And no. I’ve got everything under control here.”

Kendall shrugs and leans back in the chair, “Alright. Just thought I’d ask.”

Carlos looks at each man in turn before he turns to Kendall, “Are you sure you don’t want anything, Kendall? I can get you some water or maybe some juice?”

Kendall smiles and nods, knowing that Carlos probably needed to do something. “Maybe some water then.”

Carlos smiles in relief and busies himself with grabbing a glass and pouring Kendall some water from the faucet. “If you want, you can go watch TV until dinner is ready or James and Logan get here.”

“Only if you join me.”

Carlos smiles nervously and glances at Mark. “You sure you don’t need any help, Mark?”

“I got it. Go ahead.”

Carlos nods and hands Kendall the glass of water before exiting the kitchen. Kendall follows him into the living room and falls back onto the couch with a sigh. 

“I missed this couch. It’s not as comfortable as Dustin’s but it feels like home just the same.”

Carlos laughs and sits down beside him, “You always did have a weird hard-on for that couch.”

“Hey, she’s good to me, I’m good to her. We work.”

Carlos throws his head back and laughs. It’s a beautiful sound but Kendall is mesmerized by Carlos’ exposed throat, wanting to kiss and bite it, mark Carlos as his once more. 

He pushes the thoughts aside and tears his eyes away, looking towards the TV screen once more. 

Carlos relaxes beside him and they sit quietly, flipping through the channels as they try to find something good to watch. 

“So how does Mark feel about me being here?”

Carlos turns towards Kendall and winces slightly. “He wasn’t happy at first but I explained to him that just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.”

Kendall arches an eyebrow, looking at Carlos curiously. “And now he’s happy about it?”

Carlos chuckles, “Well, no, but at least he understands.”

Kendall smiles. He loves that Carlos always sees the good in people. Kendall knows that Mark hates him and he doesn’t blame him the least bit. If someone were trying to take Carlos away from him, he would hate them too. 

“Thank you,” he says softly, reaching over to lightly touch the back of Carlos’ hand. It’s all he allows himself before he clasps both hands in his lap, knowing that if he touched Carlos too much, he’d want more. 

He already wants more. 

Carlos looks at him in bemusement. “For what?”

“For letting me back into your life. I know I don’t deserve it.”

Carlos opens his mouth to reply but is interrupted by a knock on the door. He lets out a huge sigh, body seeming to deflate. “That’s probably James and Logan. I’ll be right back,” he says getting to his feet. 

Sure enough, he returns with James and Logan in tow. Logan grins widely when he sees Kendall while James sends him a sour look, eyes narrowed in annoyance. 

Kendall grins back. This should be fun.

\--

Carlos walks him to the door after another awkward dinner. James and Logan had left a while before but Kendall had lingered behind, wanting to spend more time with Carlos. 

“Well, at least that wasn’t as awkward as last night,” Kendall says when they stop by the front door.

Carlos chuckles, “No, but it was still kind of bad.”

Kendall grins sardonically, “Yeah. It probably didn’t help that Mark and James hate me.”

“They don’t.”

“Yeah they do. And honestly I don’t blame them. I kind of hate myself too.”

Carlos frowns up at him. “Don’t hate yourself. I don’t. I’m glad you’re back and that we’re able to be friends again.”

Kendall smiles softly. “I just want to be with you, Carlos. In any way I can.”

Carlos smiles and ducks his head, reaching over to touch the back of Kendall’s hand lightly. It feels like his skin is tingling from the contact. He’s been craving Carlos’ touch for so long, any little skin on skin contact has his whole body buzzing with it. 

“Just give him some time to get to know you,” Carlos is saying but all Kendall can think about is the way Carlos’ hand is curling around his own and how much he misses Carlos’ touch, the way their hands would fit together perfectly while they watched TV or how Carlos would grab fistfuls of his hair when they made love.

He misses it all so much and before he knows it, he’s reaching forward, palm cupping Carlos’ cheek gently as he leans forward and presses his lips against Carlos’. Carlos automatically tries to pull away but Kendall slides his hand around to cup the back of his neck, keeping him in place as his other hand grabs onto Carlos’ waist. 

He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. 

He isn’t thinking.

He used to have so much better impulse-control but Carlos had always had him acting on his first instincts rather than his common sense.

Carlos’ hand flies up to his shoulder, smacking him once before he grasps onto his shirt. He can feel Carlos pushing at him but he just pushes right back, lips moving aggressively against Carlos’. He parts his mouth and licks along Carlos’ lips, nipping at his bottom one when they don’t part for him like he wants.

Carlos lets out a small noise, part protest, part pleasure as he tries to pull away. Kendall knows what he’s doing is wrong and he should stop. He had just gotten Carlos to let him in and now he was fucking it up all over again. Carlos was going to hate him and probably never speak to him again.

But he couldn’t _not_ do it. It was all he could think about when he was around Carlos. It had been all he could think about for the past _six months_. And if it’s the only one he’s going to get, then he wants to make it a good one. 

He squeezes Carlos’ hip slightly then slides his hand around to cup Carlos’ ass, pulling him flush against his body. Carlos makes another small noise when Kendall licks along his bottom lip once more and gradually stops fighting him, fingers clenching in his shirt tighter, shoving at him lightly only to stop and pull him in closer instead. 

Carlos’ lips soften against his, parting for Kendall’s insistent tongue pressing between them and Kendall lets out a small moan as he licks his way in. Kendall can feel the burn of desire low in his belly as their tongues slide together, licking into each other’s mouth. 

They eventually break apart, chests heaving and Carlos looks a little dazed. Kendall smirks and runs his thumb across Carlos’ bottom lip lightly. That seems to jolt Carlos out it and he looks panic-stricken for a moment before anger takes over. 

He shoves Kendall away, stepping back from him as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “What’s wrong with you?”

Kendall swallows, still a little breathless. His eyes widen and he shakes his head. “I don’t know. It just happened.”

“Get out.”

“Carlos, come on, it was just a kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“I said get out of my house, Kendall.”

Kendall sighs and holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m leaving.” He reaches for the door and opens it before he pauses and turns back. “I know you wanted that kiss just as much as I did.”

Carlos’ expression is unreadable. “That was never the issue, Kendall.”


	5. Part Four

“I kissed Carlos,” Kendall confesses as casually as he can, taking a sip from his beer bottle. 

He and Logan are just hanging out- Logan because it’s his day off and Kendall because he has nothing better to do. Dustin keeps kicking him out of the apartment every time his new partner came around. 

If Kendall is honest with himself, he’d say he was a little jealous that Dustin was getting along so well with his new partner. He doesn’t dwell on it though because Dustin deserves a little happiness and no matter how much Dustin tries to deny it, Kendall _knows_ something is going on between them. If not yet, then soon.

Logan turns to him in surprise, eyebrows high on his forehead, “What? When?”

“Last night. After you guys left, he walked me to the door and I just couldn’t stop myself.”

Logan stares at him incredulously, “Dude.”

Kendall rolls his eyes slightly, “I know, I know. I feel like a shit.”

“What did he do?”

“Nothing. Pushed me away and told me to leave.”

Logan shakes his head, “You’re an idiot,” he says reaching over to smack Kendall upside the head gently.

Kendall leans away, reaching up to rub the back of his head, “You don’t think I know that?”

“So, what are you going to do now?”

Kendall shrugs, “I don’t know. Probably go apologize later, if he’ll talk to me.”

Logan nods and takes a drink from his beer bottle, leaning back against the cushions of the couch. Kendall does the same, lifting his feet to stretch out on the coffee table.

“Don’t do that. James’ll be pissed if he sees you,” Logan says, lifting a foot to kick Kendall’s leg.

Kendall sighs and puts his feet back on the floor, “James seems to have his panties in a constant bunch lately. I think he hates me.”

Logan laughs, “He doesn’t. He’s just…over protective. He doesn’t want you to hurt Carlos again.”

“I’m not. Not this time.”

“I know, man. He’s just stubborn,” Logan says with a shrug, “He’ll come around soon enough.”

Kendall’s mouth twists thoughtfully and he looks around, “Where is he anyway?”

“He went to store,” Logan says then glances at his watch, “He should be home soon though.”

Kendall smiles, “How are you guys doing?”

“We’re good. We’re real good,” Logan says with a nod of his head. 

Kendall watches as Logan smiles gently, looking down as he scratches at the label of his beer bottle. His heart fills with regret knowing that that could be him, happy and in love. He swallows thickly before reaching out suddenly, “D’aww, you’re so cute,” he says as he pinches Logan’s cheeks. 

Logan lets out an indignant noise and bats Kendall’s hand away. “Shut it,” he grumbles, cheeks flushed in embarrassment. 

\--

When James shows up, both arms heavy with groceries, Kendall wanders into the kitchen to help him put the groceries away instead of going out to help Logan get the rest of the bags. He’d wanted to speak to James for the past few days. Every time he was around James was quiet, polite but curt with him whenever he tried to interact with him. Kendall could understand that James was still upset with him, but the level of his ire was more than Kendall thought was necessary. 

They had never been close so he doesn’t understand why he is still giving him such a hard time. He stands by the table, reaching into one plastic bag and removing each item, setting it down on the table carefully. 

James is on the other side doing the same thing. Kendall watches him take several cans to the cabinet and put them away. 

“So, are you ever going to stop giving me the cold shoulder?”

James doesn’t even pause at the question, just continues sliding the cans into the pantry, “I wasn’t planning on it, no.”

Kendall lets out a short bark of laughter, “Why not?”

“You really think you should be forgiven so easily after what you did?”

Kendall moves closer, standing next to James to hand him more things to put away, “Aww, I didn’t know you cared so much, James.”

James spins around quickly and shoves Kendall back into the counter roughly. Kendall winces softly, eyes widening as James leans in close, “Let’s get one thing straight, Kendall. I couldn’t give two shits about you,” he spits out and Kendall swallows thickly, gripping onto the edge of the counter tightly. “Logan and Carlos were a complete wreck when you went missing and I was the one left to pick up the pieces. I will never forgive you for what you put them through, you understand?”

Kendall nods shakily, “Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s not good enough,” James says then turns away to finish put the groceries up. 

Kendall licks his lips nervously and takes a deep breath. “Look, James. I know how much you care about Carlos and you can hate me all you want. But I just want you to know that I’m not going to hurt him again. Not this time.”

He waits and eventually James turns to face him, “The thing is Kendall, you _are_ hurting him. Every time you come around, it hurts him.”

Kendall averts his gaze and sighs, head shaking slightly. “I _know_. I know I keep fucking up with him but I just. I can’t just let him go. I love him, James. You’d do the same for Logan, right?” He looks up at James, catching the possessive look in the other’s eyes before James looks away. 

“I would want Logan to be happy,” James says slowly and returns to putting the cans of food away. 

Kendall huffs out a laugh because he knows James means he’d want Logan to be happy with _him_. “And I just want Carlos to be happy,” he echoes, lips pulling up in a small smirk when James glances at him. 

He arches an eyebrow and James just rolls his eyes. “Are you going to stay for dinner?”

Kendall chuckles softly. “Um, no, I’ve got to go do something,” he says and James nods in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything else.

Logan’s closing the front door behind him, hands laden with more bags of groceries as Kendall enters the living room. “I really could’ve used your help out there, man,” he says when he sees Kendall.

Kendall laughs, “Sorry, but I gotta go. I’m going to go apologize to Carlos for last night and hope he doesn’t hate me too much,” he says patting Logan on the shoulder.

Logan makes a face but nods, “Alright. Well, see you later then.”

\--

Kendall slowly walks up the walkway until he’s standing in front of Carlos’ door and knocking before he can back out. He knows that if he doesn’t make this right with Carlos he’ll lose any chance of winning him back. He steps back and waits for Carlos to answer the door. But when the door finally opens, Mark is standing there instead. 

Kendall immediately wonders how long Mark had been there, if maybe he had spent the night. Kendall somehow keeps from scowling at the thought as a surge of jealousy courses through him. Instead he forces a smile, “Hey, Mark. Where’s Carlos?”

“He went to the store,” Mark says, crossing his arms across his chest.

Kendall arches an eyebrow and looks over his shoulder at Carlos’ car still in the driveway. “But his car is still here.”

“He took mine.”

“Oh, right. Well, I’ll just wait for him then.” He waits for Mark to move out of the way, but Mark just stands his ground, face blank.

“No.”

Kendall blinks, a little taken aback by Mark’s response, “Excuse me?”

Mark clears his throat and pulls back his shoulders, “I said, no. You can’t wait for Carlos. In fact, I’d prefer if you never came around Carlos again.”

Kendall laughs incredulously. “Who do you think you are? You can’t tell me what to do.”

Mark suddenly loses his polite demeanor and he takes a step forward. “Look, Carlos is with me now. All you’re doing is putting him through more heartache than he deserves,” he says in a low voice. 

Kendall leans away from the other man eyes wide in confusion before everything clicks into place. “He told you.” 

“Of course he told me. We have an honest and open relationship. It’s not built on lies and secrets like yours.”

Kendall scowls even though even though he knows it’s the truth. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Mark scoffs. “I know that before your friend Logan convinced him otherwise, Carlos thought you ran off with someone else.”

Kendall scowls, “So what? Carlos still loves _me_ ,” Kendall exclaims, jabbing himself, almost painfully, in the chest with his thumb. “And you know it.”

Mark’s eyes harden and he presses his lips together tightly. “He may still love you, but that doesn’t mean you deserve him.” The words hit Kendall harder than a punch would’ve but before he can think of a response, Mark is turning away. “I’ll let him know you stopped by,” he says dismissively. 

The door slams shut and Kendall stares at it for a few seconds.

“Fuck you!” The angry outburst doesn’t make him feel any better. It only makes Kendall feel more frustrated and pissed off. Without thinking, he kicks over the potted plant Carlos has next to his door. It tips over with a loud crash, dirt falling onto the porch. It doesn’t make him feel any better though. In fact, it only makes him feel worse because all he can think about is the day Carlos _bought_ it. 

With a huff, he bends over to pick it up, kneeling down so he can scoop the soil that spilled over onto his hands and dumps it back into the pot. He presses his fingers into the soil, making sure it’s packed in well. He lets out a sigh and gets to his feet, rubbing his palms together to get rid of the excess dirt. He hears a car pulling up then and looks up, swallowing thickly when he sees Carlos. He takes a deep breath and steps forward off of Carlos’ porch. 

By the time he gets to the car, Carlos had already stepped out and is leaning against the door. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you, to apologize for last night. It wasn’t fair to you at all,” Kendall says stopping a few feet away from Carlos.

“No, it wasn’t.”

Kendall winces softly at Carlos’ tone, distant and cold. “I’m sorry - not for kissing you. I will never regret that- but for this whole fucked up situation. I know it’s not easy and I just keep making it worse.”

Carlos sighs, shoulder drooping as he slouches against the car. “Kendall-”

“I know, I know. Please leave,” Kendall says looking away with a heavy sigh.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say…”

Kendall huffs out a self-deprecating laugh, “Yeah, right.” 

Carlos reaches for his hand, thumb brushing over Kendall’s knuckles gently. “This isn’t fair, Kendall. I was just starting to move on, Mark’s a great guy-”

“But you don’t love him.”

Carlos stops and takes a deep breath. “I could’ve. I could’ve loved him and I think I was starting to before you came back.”

“He’ll never love you the way I do, Carlos. You know that.” 

Carlos looks up at him, his hand clutching Kendall’s tightly. He can see how conflicted Carlos is, how scared he is and how much he still doesn’t completely trust Kendall. “I get it. You’re better off without me in your life,” he says with a heavy sigh.

“No,” Carlos says quickly, squeezing Kendall’s hand, “I want you in my life, Kendall. I missed you so much and it’s been great having you back.” 

Kendall smiles even though his heart really isn’t in it and squeezes Carlos’ hand, “Friends?”

“If you really mean it, I think we can be friends again.”

“I mean it. As long as it means being able to spend time with you.”

Carlos’ smile is so wide that Kendall’s heart skips a beat, “Then yes, friends.”

Kendall goes in for a hug but stops short only to have Carlos pull him the rest of the way, wrapping his arms tightly around Kendall’s torso as he presses his face against Kendall’s shoulder. Kendall quickly wraps his arms around Carlos, holding him tightly. He doesn’t know the next time he’ll be able to hold Carlos like this so he cherishes it as much as he can, letting his lips brush against Carlos’ temple when they break apart. 

\--

Kendall is lying on the couch that night, trying to sleep when he hears someone knocking on the door. He groans and rolls over to face the back of the couch, pulling the blanket over his head. After a minute of silence, it starts up again, louder than before. 

Letting out another groan, Kendall flings the blanket away and sits up. He runs a hand over his face and through his hair before he pushes himself to his feet. He shuffles to the door and peeks through the peephole. 

His breath catches in his throat, eyes widening in surprise when he sees Carlos standing on the other side. He steps away from the door, suddenly very aware that he’s in his boxers and a worn grey tee. He wipes his hands down the front of his shirt to smooth out the wrinkles and looks around, gaze sweeping across the floor for his pants. 

He peeks through the peephole again and curses when he sees Carlos turn away, quickly grabbing the doorknob and twisting it as he pulled the door open. “Carlos!”

Carlos turns back around in surprise, eyes wide, “Kendall! I didn’t think anyone was home.”

“Sorry. I was sleeping,” he says running a hand through his hair self-consciously. 

Carlos chuckles and Kendall shifts awkwardly as Carlos’ eyes run up and down his body, “I see…”

Kendall feels his face heat up in embarrassment and he reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. He looks like a mess but it wasn’t like Carlos had never seen him like this so he didn’t know why he felt so embarrassed. “Um, so, what’s up?”

“Oh!” Now Carlos seems embarrassed, looking down then back up at Kendall shyly, “I wanted to talk to you.”

Kendall watches as Carlos bites his lip nervously and swallows, “Oh, okay,” he says, nodding his head quickly. “Come in.” He takes a step away from the door, pulling it open wider. 

Carlos ducks his head and quickly walks in, brushing past Kendall on his way. Kendall licks his lips and closes the door behind him, heart pounding in his chest. He turns and finds Carlos standing by the couch where his blankets and pillows are still thrown about. 

He quickly moves them out of the way to make room for Carlos, “So, what’s up?” He folds the blanket and sets it on the coffee table before turning towards Carlos expectantly.

“I was kind of hoping we could go out and talk. Take a walk or something.”

“Oh, uh, okay. Let me go change real quick then.”

Carlos nods and sits down on the couch as Kendall hurries off to the bathroom, mind a whir of thoughts. He wonders what Carlos wants to talk about, worries that Carlos is finally going to cut him out of his life for good. 

He quickly brushes his teeth and washes his face then walks back to the living room. He rummages through the box of clothes he’d brought back from the storage and grabs a pair of jeans. He quickly slips them on before pulling his shirt off.

He chances a glance at Carlos and finds the other man watching him intently, eyes moving across his exposed torso. He flushes as he searches for a clean shirt, trying not to look too much into it. Kendall knew he was attractive and he knew that Carlos still had feelings for him; however, it didn’t mean anything to catch Carlos checking him out. 

After finding a shirt and a pair of socks, he quickly slips his shoes on, and grins at Carlos. “Okay. Ready.”

\--

They walk side by side on the sidewalk in silence, hands brushing against each other gently. Kendall’s fingers twitch every time it happens and it takes all of his self-control not to reach for Carlos’ hand and lace their fingers together. 

Instead, he shoves them in his pockets, fists clenched tightly. He looks up at the night sky, wondering what was so important that Carlos couldn’t wait until the morning to talk to him. 

After a few minutes of walking, Carlos still hasn’t said anything so Kendall gently clears his throat and glances at Carlos, “So, what did you want to talk about?” 

They walk a few steps further before Carlos opens his mouth and Kendall’s heart feels like it’s lodged in his throat. “Mark broke up with me.”

Kendall stops and grabs at Carlos’ shoulder, turning him so they’re facing each other. “What? Was it because of me? Because of what I said?” Carlos gives a small nod of his head and Kendall feels the guilt trying to crush him. “Carlos, I’m so sorry.”

Carlos shakes his head, a small smile playing across his features, “Don’t be. It’s okay.”

“But-”

“I like Mark. He’s a great guy. He’s sweet, funny and really nice,” Carlos says and Kendall feels that familiar tight feeling in his chest. “But I don’t love him,” Carlos continues and hope blooms in Kendall’s chest, pushing away the guilt and the envy. 

Kendall knew that but it was nice to hear it from Carlos. “You don’t?” 

Carlos smiles up at him and reaches for his hand, “Of course not.”

“So, what are you saying…?” He’s hesitant, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“I want you back, Kendall. And I trust you. If you say I’m better off not knowing where you’ve been, then I’ll accept that. I just want you.”

Kendall smiles, even as the guilt comes rushing back. He ignores it and lets out a joyful laugh, “You mean it?”

“You’d think I’d joke about something like this?

“Just making sure. This could be a dream or something.”

Carlos laughs, “It’s not.”

“Good.”

Kendall tugs on Carlos’ hand, pulling him closer to wrap his arms around him tightly. Carlos clutches at his back, burying his face in Kendall’s neck. Kendall closes his eyes and presses his nose into Carlos’ hair, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too. Don’t ever leave me like that again.”

“Never. You’re stuck with me now.”

“Good,” Carlos says with a chuckle then sniffs against Kendall’s shoulder. 

Kendall pulls away slightly and lifts Carlos’ face. Carlos’ eyes are wet and Kendall leans down, gently brushing his lips against Carlos’ temple. “Come on,” he says when he pulls back. “Let’s go grab something to eat and talk, okay?”

Carlos smiles with a nod of his head, “Okay.”

Kendall smiles back and slides his hand down Carlos’ arm to grab his hand, pressing their palms together, fingers lacing together tightly. 

\--

They find a small twenty-four hour diner and sit in the back corner booth, sitting opposite each other. Kendall waits until they’ve ordered their food and the waitress has taken their menus away before asking the question that’s bugging him. 

“So, what happened between you and Mark?” Kendall is genuinely curious. Mark had been so adamant at keeping Carlos to himself. It’s surprising that he would just break up with him the very same day. 

Carlos looks down and scratches at the table top. “He wanted me to choose.”

“What?”

“Between you and him. He didn’t want me to see you anymore,” he says, glancing up briefly before he occupies himself with tracing random designs onto the surface of the table. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I told him I wouldn’t. You’re too important to me to just cut out of my life.” He looks up at Kendall as he speaks, a small smile on his face.

Kendall smiles back and reaches for Carlos’ hand, squeezing it gently. “And then he just broke up with you?”

Carlos sighs softly, “Yeah, kind of,” he says then shrugs and sits up. “It didn’t really feel like a break up. We talked about it and decided it was better if we stopped seeing each other.”

Kendall still doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get why Mark would just give Carlos up but he doesn’t question it. He feels bad for Mark but it was his decision to let Carlos go instead of fighting for him. Mark’s words from earlier that day come back to him and he squeezes Carlos’ hand again. He may not deserve Carlos’ love now but he was going to make up for all of his mistakes. 

“I’m sorry,” is all he ends up saying and Carlos chuckles, shaking his head.

“Don’t be. I’m happy for it. Mark’s a great guy but he’s not you,” Carlos says then bites his lip as he glances up at Kendall once more. 

Kendall licks his own lips quickly, suddenly wishing he hadn’t suggested getting something to eat. 

\--

Kendall presses Carlos against the door as soon as they’re inside, leaning down to slide their lips together gently. 

Carlos runs his hands along Kendall’s arm to grab at his wrists where Kendall’s hands are cupping his face. He squeezes them gently and parts his lips under Kendall’s mouth, tongue darting out to lick across Kendall’s bottom lip.

Kendall sucks his tongue into mouth, moaning softly when Carlos flicks his tongue along the roof of his mouth. He pulls away, breathing heavily and pressed his forehead against Carlos’, closing his eyes, “God, Carlos,” he starts but Carlos pushes him away.

His heart almost stops, afraid Carlos is going to tell him to leave, but Carlos is smiling at him, reaching for his hand. “Come on,” he says, pulling Kendall further into the house. Kendall follows after him eagerly through the living room and down the hall to Carlos’ room. 

He closes the door behind him as Carlos turns to face him, tugging on his hand. He stumbles forward with a small laugh, reaching for Carlos’ waist to steady himself. He smiles down at Carlos and brushes their noses together before he places a kiss against Carlos’ cheek. 

Carlos chuckles and tilts his head up, turning it slightly to capture Kendall’s mouth as he tries to press another kiss to the corner of Carlos’ mouth. 

Kendall smiles into the kiss and wraps his arms around Carlos’ waist, pulling him in close. He feels jittery, fingers shaking as he tries to unbutton Carlos’ shirt. He feels like it’s his first time all over again, all awkward limbs and angles. 

Carlos reaches up and catches his hands in his, “Don’t be nervous,” he says, bringing Kendall’s hands up to kiss his fingertips, “We don’t have to do anything tonight if you’re not ready.”

Kendall barks out a laugh, “This is all I’ve been thinking about for the past week,” he says, pulling his hands out of Carlos’ grasp to reach for his shirt buttons again. 

Carlos grins and reaches down to help him, starting at the bottom of his shirt while Kendall works on the top. Kendall’s fingers are steadier now, determined to expose more of Carlos’ skin as fast as possible. 

Once all the buttons are free, he slides his hands along Carlos’ stomach and sides, palms running along the warm skin across his chest and over his shoulders, pushing the shirt off. Kendall leans down and kisses Carlos’ exposed shoulder, sucking on it gently as he pulls the shirt off completely. 

He lets it fall to the floor and runs his hands down Carlos’ arms, clutching onto his hands as he trails kisses along his shoulder and up his neck. Carlos moans softly, chest rising and falling heavily as Kendall bites gently on his neck, sucking on the flesh lightly. 

“Kendall,” he breathes out, squeezing Kendall’s hands tightly before he shakes them off to wrap his arms around Kendall’s waist, pulling him close. 

Kendall kisses Carlos’ jaw, hands sliding around Carlos’ waist. He tugs on Carlos’ belt, unbuckling it before he gently traces Carlos’ erection through his jeans with a finger. He stops when Carlos’ hand wraps around his wrist. 

“Don’t tease. Not now,” he says roughly and Kendall grins, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Carlos’ mouth before he pops the button of Carlos’ jean’s open, quickly sliding the zipper down. 

He slides down to his knees, hands dragging down Carlos’ sides to grip his hips. He presses a kiss to Carlos’ stomach, biting gently when he feels the muscle tremble beneath his lips. He grins at the small groan Carlos emits and pulls back, fingers slipping under the waistband of Carlos’ boxers. 

Kendall tugs them down roughly and licks his lips as Carlos’ cock bobs free. He looks up at Carlos quickly, seeing his eyes staring down at him intently, dark with arousal. He gently wraps his fingers around the base, and gives a few slow strokes along the length before he leans forward, tongue darting out to lick the tip.

Carlos exhales sharply and Kendall looks up at him again, watching as Carlos licks his kiss-bruised lips as he wraps his mouth around the head of Carlos’ dick, tongue swirling around it. He slowly slides the shaft further into his mouth, eyes locked on Carlos’ until the other man closes his, biting his bottom lip. 

Carlos’ hand lands on his shoulder, then moves to the back of his head where he fists Kendall’s hair tightly. His hips rock slightly, gently fucking into Kendall’s mouth and he moans softly. Kendall wonders how long it’s been since someone has done this for Carlos. He can’t stop himself from thinking of Carlos letting Mark get on his knees for him or of Carlos doing so for Mark. 

Something dark unfurls in Kendall’s chest and he pulls off with a wet sounding pop. Carlos’ eye snap open as he lets out a small groan, “What’s wrong?”

Kendall smiles and shakes his head, “Nothing,” he says, running his hands up and down Carlos’ thighs before he gets back to his feet. Carlos looks at him strangely as he wraps his arms around Kendall’s waist and leans down to brush their lips together.

Carlos palms him through his jeans and Kendall lets out a surprised moan, hands gripping onto Carlos’ waist for stability. It felt good, really good, and his knees threatened to buckle under him as Carlos continued to stroke him through his pants. 

“God, Carlos,” he breathes out, pressing his forehead against Carlos’. He rocks forward against Carlos’ hand, eyes closed tight. It has been way too long since he’s had sex, he’s pretty sure he could come from this alone. 

Carlos suddenly pulls his hand away and he lets out a strangled groan, but he doesn’t say anything because Carlos is pulling Kendall’s pants open, pushing them down and out of the way to wrap his fingers tightly around his cock. 

“Fuck, fuck,” Kendall breaths out as Carlos presses his thumb against the head of his dick. He can’t think straight, all his senses narrowed down to Carlos’ hand wrapped around him, sliding slowly along the length of his erection. 

“Please, Carlos,” he whines, breath shallow as he bucks into Carlos’ fist. He lets out another whine when Carlos lets go, grabbing at his waist and guiding him back towards his bed. 

Kendall stumbles along, kicking his pants off before he crawls onto the bed after Carlos lies back on it, pushing himself up towards his pillows. He straddles Carlos’ hips and pulls his shirt off, throwing it across the room. He then places his hands on Carlos’ chest, pressing him down into the bed as he rocks his hips against Carlos’. 

“Fuck, I missed you so much,” he murmurs against Carlos’ neck.

Carlos moans softly and places his hand on the back of Kendall’s head, turning his face to kiss his temple and shoves at Kendall’s shoulder, rolling them over. Kendall goes willingly, spreading his legs to make room for Carlos when he lands on his back. 

“Fuck me,” he moans out, hips surging up to press against Carlos’. 

Carlos pushes himself up onto his hand, staring down at Kendall intently. “No.”

Kendall’s eyes snap open and he stares up at Carlos in shock. “No?”

“I’m not going to fuck you. I’m going to make love to you, Kendall, because I love you and I missed you and I don’t want our first time back together to be a quick fuck.”

Kendall huffs out an embarrassed, little laugh, feeling his face heat up under Carlos’ gaze. The words only added to it. “Okay,” he says after a brief pause, “Make love to me, then.”

Carlos smiles and swoops down to crash his lips against Kendall’s briefly before he’s scrambling off the bed. 

Kendall blinks in surprise and grabs onto Carlos’ hand, “Where are you going?”

Carlos stops and looks down at him. “To get a condom.”

“But aren’t they in here?” He gestures towards the bedside table where Carlos had always kept the condoms and lube. 

Carlos shakes his head, “No, I moved them. Didn’t really need them after you left.”

Kendall’s chest blooms with warmth and he smiles, “Oh.”

Kendall watches Carlos disappear into the adjoining bathroom and smiles. He leans back against the pillows and slowly trails his fingers down his chest and stomach. His eyes flutter shut as he teases the sensitive skin of his lower belly, fingers brushing against his cock gently. 

Carlos comes back a moment later, lube and condom in one hand. He sets them down on the table beside his bed and climbs back onto the bed. 

Kendall pulls him down onto him, wrapping his legs around Carlos. They both moaning softly when their cocks press together and Kendall arches up, moving his hips slowly against Carlos’. 

Kendall smiles up at him then bites his bottom lip, running his hands across Carlos’ shoulders and down his back, “So does this mean you haven’t been with anyone since I left?” He doesn’t know why he asks. It’s not important but he still wants to know. 

Carlos stills, guilt marring his face as he bites his bottom lip and looks away and Kendall’s heart sinks.

“I guess not, then. But it wasn’t Mark, was it?”

Carlos shakes his head and sighs softly, “Kendall, you have to understand-”

Kendall shakes his head, cutting Carlos off. “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain,” he says trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. He knows he has no right to be upset over this, but he can’t help the crushing heartache he feels thinking of Carlos with someone else. 

But Carlos apparently feels like he does have to explain because he keeps on talking, “It was stupid, really. I had just accepted the fact that maybe you weren’t coming back and Dustin-”

Kendall’s eyes widen, “Wait. You slept with Dustin?” he shakes his head and sits up. Carlos moves away as he does so, sitting on his knees beside Kendall and nods.

“My Dustin? Dustin fucking Belt?” Kendall’s tone gets louder with each word and he scrambles out of the bed, pacing the length of it before he starts snatching his clothes up from the floor. 

“Kendall, what are you- Are you mad?”

His pants are first and he aggressively shoves each leg in one at a time while he shakes his head, “I can’t believe you. While I was-” he stops abruptly, shutting his mouth with a clack, “And you and Dustin were-!” He cuts himself off again, unable to complete the thought.

He quickly buttons and zips his pants, refusing to look at Carlos as the other man tries to defend himself. “It was just one time! It didn’t mean anything.”

“That’s not the point! You didn’t tell me! Neither of you did.”

“Because it wasn’t important! We just needed a distraction from the pain of losing _you_!”

Kendall shakes his head and grabs his shirt from the floor, shoving it on over his head, not caring that it’s inside out. He feels betrayed. They should have told him. _Dustin_ should’ve told him. If he had heard it from him, his best friend, then he thinks maybe he wouldn’t feel so shell-shocked about it. 

He still would’ve been pissed but he wouldn’t feel so betrayed. 

“You’re the one that wanted to make this work and you’re just going to throw it away because I slept with someone else? When I didn’t even know if you were going to come back!”

He stares at Carlos for a long moment and it’s more hurt than anger that has him saying, “I can’t deal with this right now. I’ll call you in the morning.”

He bends over to snatch his shoes off the floor but doesn’t bother putting them on before he stalks out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

He makes it all the way to the front door before he stops. He grips the doorknob tightly, and takes a deep breath. 

He knows he has no right to be angry. As far as they knew, he was dead. But it doesn’t stop him from wanting to punch Dustin in the face. Because he had looked Kendall in the eyes, said how happy he was for him to be back and hadn’t thought to tell him about this. That’s what really pisses him off.

He closes his eyes, fingers clenching tightly around the doorknob before he releases it and takes a step back. He glances over his shoulder, down the hall where he can see the light coming from under Carlos’ bedroom door.

Carlos hadn’t followed him out. The realization is like a knife to the gut and the desire to go back- to apologize for being an idiot and drag Carlos under the blankets so he can hold him all night long is strong but he shakes it off. 

He quickly opens the door and steps out, shutting it firmly behind him before his resolve can break. 

As he walks down the steps of Carlos porch, he realizes that he doesn’t know where to go. He can’t go back to Dustin’s and he can’t go to Logan’s, so he just walks, each step harder than the last the further he gets from Carlos’ house.


	6. Part Five

It’s mid-morning when Kendall’s phone rings. He’s sitting in a coffee shop, exhausted from walking all night and his eyes burn from no sleep. He lets out a sigh and rubs at his eyes before leaning back to reach into his pocket, pulling out his phone. He blearily makes out Logan’s name before he answers. “Hello?”

“What did you do?” Logan sounds annoyed and aggravated, echoing perfectly how Kendall feels. 

“What? I didn’t do anything.”

“James is pissed off, Carlos looks like you disappeared all over again and I’m getting really sick of being caught up in the middle of this. So, what did you do?”

Kendall checks the time on the clock on far wall. Carlos and James should’ve been at work seeing as it was a Monday but he’s too tired and annoyed to question it. “I didn’t do anything,” Kendall repeats, punctuating each word angrily. “Why don’t you ask Carlos what _he_ did!”

Logan lets out a long-suffering sigh into the phone. “What did he do?”

Kendall presses his lips together tightly. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he mutters.

“Okay, seriously, when did everyone around here start growing vaginas? Look, whatever he did _while he thought you were dead_ , just get the fuck over it. You say you love him so goddamn-“

“He slept with Dustin,” Kendall blurts out before he can think about it. He looks around self-consciously, hoping no one was paying attention. But there’s hardly anyone in the shop and he relaxes slightly at the realization. 

Logan inhales sharply. “Oh, fuck.”

Kendall can’t help but smile wanly at Logan’s reaction before he sighs, slumping down in his seat. “And I’m not even pissed about that ‘cause I get it. I wasn’t there, but they didn’t tell me. Neither of them did.”

He hears Logan sigh again. “Look, man, I understand why you’re upset, but you gotta decide if your pride is more important than Carlos. And if you choose your pride, I’m going to have to kick your ass.”

Kendall chuckles tiredly. “You wish.”

“You’re pushing it, Schmidt,” Logan says dangerously and Kendall rolls his eyes. “Just get your ass over here.”

“Alright. I’ll be right there as soon as I can.”

\--

It takes him twenty minutes to walk to Logan’s apartment. When he approaches the door, he sees that it’s slightly ajar. His brows furrow and he immediately tenses as he places his hand on the doorknob. He slowly pushes the door open, peering into the apartment carefully. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting but he rushes in when he hears a soft groan coming from inside. 

He scans the room quickly, eyes falling onto Logan’s body lying face down on the floor a few yards from the door. “Logan!” Kendall’s eyes widen and he quickly kneels by the other man, placing a hand on Logan’s shoulder. 

Logan lets out another groan and slowly pushing himself up into a sitting position with Kendall’s help. He touches the side of his head and looks at Kendall with a small wince. “What happened? Where are James and Carlos?”

Kendall shakes his head. “I don’t know. I just got here. Are you okay?”

Kendall reaches out to check for any bumps on Logan’s head but Logan just waves him off, shaking his head. “I’m fine,” he says and gets to his feet. Kendall follows suit and grabs Logan by the shoulders when he sways slightly. 

“Are you sure, man? Sit down. I’ll check the rest of the apartment.”

Logan lets out a small groan as he nods. “Alright.”

Kendall grabs Logan by the arm and leads him to the couch, sitting him down before he quickly checks the rest of the apartment. When he doesn’t find either James or Carlos, worry rushes through him. 

“They’re not here.”

Logan’s leaning back against the couch, eyes closed but he sits up quickly at Kendall’s words. He lets out a small wince at the sudden movement and reaches up to hold his head with one hand, his brows bunching together. “What do you mean, they’re not here?”

“They’re not here, Logan. What else do you think I mean?”

“Then where are they?”

“I don’t know!” He takes a deep breath, trying to keep calm. Just because they’re not there didn’t mean anything. Just because he found Logan laid out on the floor didn’t mean anything. As long as he kept telling himself that then maybe he could keep that frantic need to panic at bay long enough to figure out what was going on. 

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

Logan sighs and leans over, elbows resting on his thighs as he presses his face into the palm of his hands. “I don’t know…” he says and looks up at Kendall, eyes full of worry, “We were in the kitchen and James was making coffee when someone knocked on the door. I went to go answer it and-”

He’s cut off by Kendall’s phone ringing. They both jump slightly in surprise and Logan watches anxiously as Kendall answers it. Kendall doesn’t recognize the number and he hesitantly raises it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Good morning, Mr. Schmidt! How are you doing today?”

Kendall is confused by the cheerful British accent before recognition dawns on his face. “You! What do you want? Did you take Carlos and James?”

Logan looks up sharply and pushes himself to his feet. “Who is it?” He crowds into Kendall’s space and Kendall turns away. “If they hurt James in anyway, I’ll kill them,” Logan says vehemently behind him.

“Tell Mr. Henderson not to worry. We won’t hurt his precious lover.”

“Why are you doing this?” The question sounds stupid coming out of his mouth and it’s only worse when the reply comes.

“You know why.”

He lets out a sigh. “You said you’d give me time to get what you wanted.”

“We’ve given you plenty of time.”

“It’s only been a week!”

“That’s plenty of time. Maybe if you didn’t waste it all on your ex-lover-”

“How did you-”

“You didn’t think we’d let you go without some kind of supervision did you? We’ve been watching you.”

Kendall clutches the phone tightly. He hadn’t even noticed anyone following him. “Just don’t hurt them, okay? I’ll get you what you want.”

“That’s a good boy, Schmidt. We’ll keep in touch.”

And before Kendall could say anything, the call cut off. He swallows thickly and glances over at Logan who’s watching him, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“What was that all about?”

“Logan-”

Logan grabs him by the front of his shirt before he can say anything else. He hauls him in close until their faces are inches apart. “What did you do?!”

Kendall swallows, mind racing as he thinks of what to say. “Logan, I’m sorry,” he gasps out instead.

“Who took James? _Why_ did they take James?”

“I don’t know. I was supposed to have more time. I’m sorry!”

“More time for what?”

Kendall licks his lips and grabs Logan’s wrist, pulling down. Logan reluctantly releases his shirt and Kendall is able to take a step back. “Do you remember David Henrie?”

“Of course I do. That douchebag traitor was the reason why Demi got killed.”

Kendall winces slightly at the mention of Demi. He hadn’t known her but he knew she had been important to Logan and losing her had left him wrecked for months. If it hadn’t been for Kendall, Logan probably would’ve gotten himself killed during his grieving period. 

“Right, well, he was part of the team that captured me.”

Logan’s eyes widen in disbelief. “What?”

“He’s working with Collins and Sulkin.” 

“Fuck,” Logan breathes out and takes a small stumbling step back in his surprise. 

Kendall doesn’t blame Logan for his reaction. Misha Collins is one of the top most wanted men in the world. Not only has he been able to steal weapons and government secrets from several countries but he’d manage to turn some of the best spies Kendall knew. 

The worst part of it was that no one knew what Misha’s overall motive was. Even when his men were captured, no amount of interrogation got them talking about Misha’s plans. Either they didn’t know anything or if they were just that scared of Misha, Kendall didn’t know. 

The only thing any of them could do was wait for Misha to finally make his first move. It was frustrating and scary knowing someone that dangerous was out there but not knowing anything about them. 

“They wanted information on a weapon and I told them I didn’t know anything. But they didn’t believe me and they just kept working me until I finally just- I just wanted to come home. I told them I could get the information they needed.”

He looks at Logan pleadingly, feeling terrible for getting James and Carlos involved. He knows it’ll never be okay if anything happens to either of them. “I wasn’t really going to give them anything,” he adds helplessly, knowing it doesn’t change anything.

“You fucking idiot!” Logan grabs him by the front of the shirt again, giving him a good shake before he pulls him in close. “If anything happens to him, I swear to god-” He stops and Kendall can see the fear in his eyes mingled with the anger. 

“We’ll get them back. I promise.”

Logan shoves him away and turns his back on him, hand going up to grip his hair tightly. Kendall sighs and looks down at his phone. 

Logan glances over his shoulder at the sound of him punching in a number, “What are you doing?”

“Calling Dustin.”

\--

“Okay, so what happened again?” 

Kendall sighs heavily. He had told Dustin everything from when he woke up in an interrogation room to being thrown into a cell and left there to rot to when David and Gregg came to him and asked if he wanted to go home.

He doesn’t want to have to explain it all over again but Dustin is looking at him, silently demanding to be walked through it again. He pushes aside the anxiety building up in him and takes a deep breath. “I was supposed to get the plans for a new weapon you’re developing.”

“How do they even know about that?”

“Who cares! They took Carlos and James! That’s all that’s important right now,” Kendall explodes, arms flinging out against his will. “Are you going to help us or not?”

Dustin sighs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Kendall, you know I would do anything for you but I can’t just _give_ you this information.”

Logan pulls out his gun and presses it against Dustin’s temple. “You are going to get us the information we need to get James and Carlos back.”

Dustin doesn’t seem too phased by Logan’s reaction, but Kendall can see the subtle movement of his throat as he swallows nervously. “Killing me isn’t going to help, you know.”

“No, but I’m sure a busted kneecap will,” Logan says, stepping back to lower his aim towards Dustin’s knee. 

“Logan, calm down,” Kendall says getting up from his seat. 

Logan glares at him. “Don’t tell me to calm down. I oughta shoot _you_ for putting us in this fucking mess.”

“Look, I already apologized for that. I’m just as worried about them too, okay? But you waving your gun around isn’t going to help anything,” Kendall says in as calm a voice as he can.

Logan glares at him and he stares back steadily until the other man shifts his gaze and exhales heavily. Logan steps away from Dustin and lowers his gun. “I swear to god, Kendall, if anything happens to James I _will_ kill you,” he spits out, glaring at Kendall once again.

Kendall nods shakily. “I believe you,” he says and turns his attention back to Dustin. “Look. I’m not asking you to actually _give_ me the information. Just give me something to give them so they’ll _think_ that they’re getting it. We just need to get Carlos and James back.”

Dustin hesitates at the mention of Carlos and James. He wasn’t that close to either of them, though closer to Carlos than Kendall had thought, but he did care about them. “You really think that’s going to work?”

The answer is no, Kendall really doesn’t think it’ll work, but he shrugs anyway. “It’s worth a shot, right?”

\--

Dustin insisted they call Jordan for help, saying that he was going to need him to access the files they needed. Dustin and Logan had outvoted Kendall’s “Fake ‘Em Out” plan, saying that they should at least give them _something_ on the off-chance they actually checked the files before releasing James and Carlos. 

Kendall sits anxiously on Dustin’s couch and watches Logan pace as they wait for Jordan to arrive. He’s not sure Jordan won’t just turn him in but he trusts Dustin and if _he_ trusted Jordan then Kendall could too. 

He’s about to grab Logan and force him to sit down when there’s a knock at the door. Both men look towards Dustin and watch him as he gets to his feet, setting his laptop on the sofa chair be he walks away towards the door. 

Logan turns his attention to Kendall then and goes over to sit down heavily next to him. Kendall places a comforting hand on Logan’s shoulder, glad when Logan doesn’t shrug it away. “It’s gonna be okay, Logan.”

“It better be. I’ll never forgive you if anything happens to him,” Logan says softly, giving Kendall a sharp look before his shoulders seem to sag and he exhales sharply. 

Kendall squeezes Logan’s shoulder and looks up because Dustin is closing the door and Jordan is standing there staring at him. 

Jordan glances at Dustin and gestures at Kendall. “I thought he was dead.”

Kendall plasters a forced grin across his face, “Surprise! I’m alive,” he says brightly, face contorting with pain when Logan turns towards him and punches him in the arm. 

“It’s not the time for jokes, you asshole,” Logan growls, shooting Kendall a dark look. 

Kendall rubs his arms, glaring back but keeps his mouth shut. It’s his natural instinct to make light of events to keep the worry and anxiety at bay. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kendall turns his attention to Jordan as he glances once more at Dustin questioningly. Kendall thinks he sees a small sense of betrayal in his gaze. 

Dustin looks away and clears his throat. “I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

“You didn’t trust me,” Jordan says and it’s not a question. Dustin looks guilty and on a normal day, Kendall might have found the situation to be funny. 

“This is not really the time to be talking about your _feelings_ ,” Logan snaps, cutting Dustin off before he can even say anything. “There are more important things to do.”

Jordan’s attention is instantly on Logan, brows bunching together as he frowns. “Like what?”

“Like saving James and Carlos,” Logan snaps in irritation. “They were taken hostage.”

Jordan’s frown only deepens. “Who?”

“Their boyfriends,” Dustin says, gesturing vaguely at Kendall and Logan.

“And who took them?”

“Gregg Sulkin and David Henrie.”

That’s all Dustin needs to say and Jordan’s face goes from bewildered to serious. “Why? What happened?” His tone is sharp and Kendall internally flinches at it. 

“This idiot here made a deal with them to be able to come home,” Logan volunteers, shoving at Kendall’s shoulder roughly. 

Kendall shoots him a glare then faces Jordan’s shocked espression. “Look, they threw me in a fucking cell for _five months_! I thought I was going to die in there! And then suddenly, they take me out and ask me if I want to come home. What would you fucking do?”

He doesn’t mean to yell but he’s tired and scared. The longer they take to get to James and Carlos, the more likely it is that they’ll be hurt. Or worse. He really tries not to think about the ‘or worse’ part of this scenario, pushing it away as he focuses on convincing Jordan to help them. 

“I would’ve told someone as soon as I returned home,” Jordan is saying and that just aggravates Kendall all the more.

“And risk getting thrown into another prison? No thanks,” he spits out. He hates having to explain himself because he _knows_ that’s what he should’ve done. He knows he went about the entire situation the wrong way.

“What were you going to do anyway? If you said you weren’t planning on actually going through with stealing the plans,” Dustin suddenly asks. He looks like the thought had just struck him and Kendall realizes that he hadn’t thought about it either. 

“I don’t know! I hadn’t thought that far ahead, okay? I thought I’d have more time to come up with a plan,” he mutters, looking away. 

“And now here we are, two innocent men in the cross-fire because you were too stupid and stubborn to ask for help,” Jordan says, voice harsh and judging.

Kendall clenches his fists tightly by his side and he can feel his ears burning with shame and embarrassment with everyone watching him. He doesn’t know what to say because Jordan is right. It was stupid not to ask for help as soon as he got back. Now if anything _did_ happen to Carlos or James, it would be his fault.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I made a mistake. I know that. Just please. Help us get them back,” he begs, looking at Jordan beseechingly. 

Jordan’s face softens slightly and he nods. “Of course, I’ll help. Dustin, bring up the files and I’ll give you my part of the password.”

Dustin nods and he and Jordan head over to where Dustin left his laptop. Kendall would’ve found how easy it was to convince Jordan a surprise if he hadn’t been so exhausted. 

Kendall sits back down and lets his head fall back against the couch. He regrets not sleeping the night before, regrets leaving Carlos’ place at all. He’s plagued with the thought that this never would’ve happened if he had stayed but he has a feeling that it would’ve happened either way. 

He jolts upright when his phone goes off minutes later and he quickly pulls it out of his pocket. He glances at everyone else and finds them all watching him as he answers, pressing the phone to his ear. 

\--

The address Gregg gives him ends up being a beat down motel on the other side of town. Kendall pulls up into a parking space near the room number Gregg had told him, Logan sitting in the passenger seat. 

They sit in the car silently for a few moments before they look at each other. “Let’s go over the plan one more time,” Kendall says, finally releasing his tight grip on the steering wheel. His hands fall into his lap and he rubs his palms over his thighs nervously. It’s been hours since Gregg called and he’s both scared and anxious, heart pounding in his chest so loudly that he can barely think straight. 

Logan’s brows furrow in a frown. “Again? We’ve gone over it already.”

“Yes, again!” Kendall’s eyes widen in his outburst and it takes all of his self-control not to grab Logan and shake him because now _he’s_ the one that’s a nervous mess while Logan is seemingly all cool calmness. “I don’t want to fuck this up and I want to make absolutely sure we’re on the same page.”

Logan sighs and nods impatiently. “Fine. Dustin and Jordan are going to keep a lookout while we go in and make the trade for James and Carlos,” he says quickly.

Kendall nods and takes a breath, reaching over to grab the flash drive sitting in one of the cup holders between the two front seats. He holds it up. “Dustin said he put a virus on this thing, as well as a tracking device, so no matter where they take it we’ll be able to find them.”

Logan nods, brows twitching impatiently. “Can we just do this already?”

Kendall sighs, a sense of foreboding niggling in the back of his mind but he nods anyway. “Alright. Let’s do this.” 

They both exit the car, slamming their doors at the same time. Normally, that would’ve made Kendall smile but now, he just licks his lips nervously and tightens his fist around the flash drive. He glances over his shoulder and across the parking lot where he knows Dustin and Jordan are watching them in another car.

Their part of the plan was just to watch and wait. If anything started to go south, they’d be able to jump in as fast as they could. Kendall hopes they won’t be needed. 

He and Logan approach the door but before either of them can even lift a hand to knock, it opens. 

Gregg is standing on the other side, looking bright and cheerful, and it’s disconcerting for Kendall, whose mood is the complete opposite. 

“Nice of you to make it,” Gregg says, holding the door open wider and moved to the side. Kendall exchanges a look with Logan and walks in. They only make it a few steps before the door shuts behind them. Kendall glances at Logan again before his eyes fall to the other man in the room. 

David is sitting on the full-sized bed, back against the wall and legs stretched out in front of him. He swings his legs over and quickly gets to his feet, a smug smile stretching across his face.

Clenching his jaw, Kendall continues his look around the room. It’s just as dingy on the inside as it seemed on the outside. The wallpaper is faded and there are dark stains on the thin carpet Kendall can’t help but notice.

He also can’t help but notice the lack of Carlos and James in the room. 

He turns back toward David and glares at him. “Where are they?”

David smiles and claps his hands together. “Don’t worry. They’re in the bathroom. It would’ve been too crowded in here with six of us.”

Kendall glances at Logan and finds him glaring at David dangerously. He suddenly regrets bringing Logan, even though Kendall knows he wouldn’t have been able to stop him from coming along. Logan had history with David and he can’t help but worry that it’s going to cloud Logan’s judgment. 

“Bring them out. We want to make sure they’re okay before we give this to you,” Kendall says holding up the flash drive between his thumb and forefinger.

David’s eyes narrow and he glances at Gregg, nodding and jerking his head to the side. “Go get them.”

Gregg passes between Kendall and Logan, both men moving out of the way as he walks by. He heads for the only other door in the room and disappears inside, closing the door behind him. 

Kendall swallows thickly, heart hammering in his chest, anxious to see Carlos. He feels more on edge than he normally would in a situation like this. He just needs to see Carlos, know he is okay and then Kendall knows he’ll be able to get through this. 

The door re-opens and Kendall holds his breath, letting it out in a soft whoosh when Carlos stumbles out, followed closely by James. Their hands are tied behind their backs and they have silver duct tape over their mouths. Carlos’ eyes widen when he sees Kendall and he tries to say something but all that comes out is muffled noise.

Gregg suddenly shoves at James’ back when neither of them moves further into the room. He bumps into Carlos and they both fall to their knees. It takes every ounce of Kendall’s self-control not to rush to Carlos’ side. 

Kendall clenches his fists tightly as Gregg steps around the two men. He quickly looks Carlos over, relaxing once more when he sees that he looks fine, scared and confused, but otherwise unharmed in anyway. 

He feels Logan tense next to him, inhaling sharply, and Kendall quickly glances over at James. He immediately sees what caused Logan’s reaction. James isn’t as fine as Carlos. He has a cut high on his cheek under his right eye. The skin around it is mottled and bruised and even Kendall can’t help but wince softly when he sees it. 

He quickly grabs Logan’s arm when he feels Logan start to move forward, holding him in place. Logan pulls against his hold, throwing him a dirty look but he only tightens his grip. “Hold on, Logan. He’s fine.”

“No, he’s not! Look at him!” Logan turns his attention towards David. “I’ll fucking kill you, you fucking bastard!”

Kendall’s not sure how much of Logan’s anger is on behalf of James’ injury and how much of it is old resentment for Demi’s death. Logan didn’t talk about it much but Kendall had always had a feeling that Logan’s feelings for her had run much deeper than just partners or friends. 

“You really know how to pick ‘em, you know that, Henderson?” David slowly walks over to James and runs the back of his hand down the side of James’ face as he speaks. “Feisty and gorgeous. Reminds me of your partner. What was her name again?”

Logan tears his arm free from Kendall’s grip and starts to stalk forward but Kendall grabs him again. He grips onto Logan’s upper arm and pulls him back. “Okay, that’s enough!” He glares at David as he speaks, “Just let them go so we can do this already.”

David rolls his eyes. “You’re no fun, you know that, Schmidt? I’m kind of sorry you got us those plans so soon. Me and Gregg were hoping to have some fun with this one later,” he says and suddenly grabs a fistful of James’ hair, pulling his head back. James’ eyes widen, frantically moving between Logan and Kendall and he lets out a muffled grunt of pain.

Logan’s reaction is almost instant. Before Kendall knows what’s going on, Logan is shoving him away forcefully. He stumbles to the side and by the time he’s righted himself, Logan has his gun out, pointing it steadily at David. He doesn’t give anyone time to react, and before Kendall can even think to stop him, he’s already pulling the trigger.

He shoots only once, the bullet flying straight for David. It hits him square in the chest and David’s body jerks back, falling against the wall behind him. They all watch as David slides down the wall slowly, eyes wide in shock, one hand clasped over the wound. 

There’s a small moment of silence before everything seems to happen at once. Gregg shouts then pulls out his gun, aiming for Logan. The room is too small and there isn’t any space to run or many places to hide behind so Kendall just shoves Logan to the floor, landing half on him, as Gregg’s bullets whiz by. 

“Fuck Logan, what the fuck?!” Is all Kendall can seem to say before he pushes himself to his feet, reaching behind his back for his gun. He aims low, figuring they should at least bring Gregg in alive, and shoots. 

Sulkin cries out as the bullet buries itself into the flesh of his thigh and he crumples to the floor, his gun falling, sliding under the bed. 

Gregg scrambles after it but Kendall crawls over the bed quickly and pins him down. He presses his knee into the middle of Gregg’s back to keep him in place as the other man struggles to free himself. He places the muzzle of his gun to the back of Gregg’s head. “Don’t move,” he says quietly and Gregg immediately falls still, breath coming in ragged, pained gasps. 

Kendall inhales slowly, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart and glances around. He lets out a small sigh of relief when he sees Logan already helping Carlos and James. They’re huddled in the corner and Logan kneels in front of them. 

He can hear Logan talking to them softly, telling them it’s going to hurt when he pulls off the duct tape. He winces softly when he hears Logan rip it off of their faces, first Carlos, then James before Logan starts untying their hands. 

Kendall can hear Logan murmuring to them, making sure they’re okay. He wants to go over and check if Carlos is okay himself, wants to make sure he’s not hurt in anyway. And he’s just about to knock Gregg out so he can go do that when the door burst open. Everyone jumps, eyes wide as they see Dustin in the doorway, gun out and ready. 

Kendall can’t help but laugh, the sound coming out nervous at the sight of Dustin. “Um, you’re a little too late.”

Dustin’s eyes focus on him after giving the room a once over. “What happened?”

Kendall shakes his head. “There’s no time to explain. We have to get out of here,” he says because guns aren’t exactly quiet and the other residents of the motel probably heard and called the cops. They’re not exactly in the best neighborhood but he knows they’ll show up eventually.

Dustin nods and quickly tucks his gun into the back of his pants before he crosses the room to kneel beside David’s body. He checks for a pulse but Kendall already knows David’s dead, eyes staring lifeless out at nothing. 

Dustin turns to Kendall afterward. “Is that one still alive at least?”

Gregg squirms slightly at Dustin’s question and Kendall chuckles, “Yeah, but he’s injured.”

Dustin nods, eyes flicking down to Gregg’s leg and the blood staining his khaki slacks. “Alright, well I’ll take over from here. You and Logan take _them_ home,” he says, jerking his head toward the other two men in the room. 

\--

Logan drops Kendall and Carlos off at Carlos’ place. It’s only early evening but it feels like forever since Kendall spoke to Logan on the phone that morning. He leads Carlos through the door, one arm around his shoulder as Carlos leans against him heavily. Carlos has been quiet the whole ride over, answering with just nods and shakes of his head whenever Kendall asked him anything. 

Kendall flips on the light as they walk in and leads Carlos to the couch where he sits him down. “Do you want anything?” 

Carlos shakes his head. “No, I’m fine,” he says and Kendall lets out an internal sigh of relief hearing him finally speak. 

Kendall sits down next to Carlos and wonders what he’s supposed to do now. He knows Carlos wants - _deserves_ \- answers but he doesn’t know what to say. He’d never planned on having this conversation with Carlos. He doesn’t know where to even start. 

Kendall takes a deep breath and just plunges right in. “I’m so sorry Carlos,” he says and he’s getting really tired of saying those words. “I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you to get involved in this.”

“What- What did happen?” Carlos’ voice shakes slightly, and he looks at Kendall in slight confusion. 

Kendall shakes his head and sighs. “Shit that you really shouldn’t have gotten involved in.”

“Tell me, Kendall. I deserve that much after what I went through today.”

Kendall lets his shoulders sag and he nods. “I know, I know. It’s just hard, you know?”

“Tell me,” Carlos urges softly.

Kendall licks his lips nervously, taking a deep breath. He lets it out slowly then laughs softly. “I am- or well, I _was_ ,” he stops, not sure how to word it. It seems a little ridiculous saying the words aloud but he takes a deep breath and lets it all out in a rush. 

“I was a spy,” he says then presses his lips together and holds his breath as he waits for Carlos’ reaction. 

Carlos’ brows bunch together and he looks at Kendall in disbelief. “A spy?”

Kendall swallows nervously, then chuckles. “Um, yeah.”

Carlos is silent for a moment longer and Kendall can tell that he has a million things he wants to ask but Carlos just nods in acceptance. “And Logan and Dustin?”

Kendall nods, “Them too. Dustin’s the only one still active though. Logan’s pretty much retired.”

“And you?”

Kendall laughs shortly, “Well, I’m dead for all they know.”

Again, Carlos doesn’t say anything in response, just nods his head. Kendall knows Carlos is exhausted at the moment. He can feel it too, a bone deep weariness making his limbs feel heavy. All he wants to do is lie down somewhere and sleep. 

“So, what happens now?”

Kendall shakes his head. “I don’t know. Whatever you want,” he says, deciding to focus this conversation on them. He doesn’t want to think of what’s going to happen to him. “If you tell me to leave and never come back. I will. For good this time. I never should’ve come back in the first place. I should’ve just gotten them what they wanted and left. Would’ve saved you all this trouble.”

Carlos reaches for Kendall’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Don’t. I don’t want you to leave,” he says softly. 

Kendall smiles and turns his hand over, fingers lacing together. “Okay.”

“I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around it but I understand now. All the secrets and lies and why you never came back,” Carlos says after a few moments of thoughtful silence. 

Kendall sighs and looks down at their hands. “I never should’ve left. It was supposed to be my last mission before I requested a desk job. I had the paper work all ready and everything,” he says and laughs humorlessly. “And now I’m a traitor. They’re probably going to throw me in prison.”

Carlos squeezes Kendall’s hand tight. “Then maybe you _should_ leave.”

Kendall looks at Carlos searchingly, “Only if you come with me.”

Carlos bites his lip and actually seems to put some thought into itm which has Kendall’s heart pounding in his chest. If Carlos says yes then he’d have them packed and gone by morning but Carlos shakes his head, “I can’t.”

Kendall’s shoulders sag, but he’s not really surprised so he just smiles. “I know,” he says and leans over, watching for any sign that he wasn’t welcome until his lips are pressed gently against Carlos’. “I’m not leaving either,” he whispers against Carlos’ mouth, hand coming up to cup Carlos’ jaw as he presses their mouths together firmly.

Carlos squeezes his hand again, reaching over with his other to grip Kendall’s arm tightly, lips moving against Kendall’s gently. After a few moments, Kendall pulls away. “You’re probably tired. Let’s go to bed.”

Kendall gets to his feet and pulls Carlos up by his hand without waiting for a response. He tugs on Carlos’ hand, leading the way down the hall and into Carlos’ bedroom. They stop by Carlos’ bed and Kendall quickly turns to strip Carlos of his clothes. He’s quick and efficient, his only intention is to get Carlos under the blankets, safe and warm. 

He turns, and pulls the blankets back and Carlos climbs in silently, settling down against the pillows. He looks up at Kendall tiredly, eyes already drooping and Kendall can’t resist leaning down and kissing him lightly. 

As Kendall’s tucking the blankets around him, Carlos grabs his arm. “You’re staying with me, right?”

Kendall blinks in surprise at the request. He hadn’t thought that Carlos wanted him to stay but he smiles and nods. “Of course.”

He quickly strips down to his boxers and climb over Carlos to lay behind him, body curling around Carlos’ snugly. He drapes his arm over Carlos’ waist and Carlos instantly grabs his hand, tucking it under his chin. “Everything’s going to be okay, right?”

Kendall only hesitates a moment before he nods. “Yeah, sure. Everything’s going to be fine. Don’t worry about it,” he says, squeezing Carlos closer. He drops a kiss to the top of Carlos’ head before tucking him in under his chin. He feels Carlos relax against him and eventually his breathing evens out, deepening in slumber. 

Kendall lies awake and listens to Carlos’ slow breaths and just _feels_ Carlos beside him, solid and warm against him, exhausted and shaken but safe now. 

He wonders how long he’ll get to enjoy it before it’s taken away from him again. 

He squeezes his eyes shut, tears pricking at them when he thinks about just how close he was to losing this, to losing Carlos. He pulls Carlos closer, freezing when the other man stirs lightly. He waits until Carlos settles once more against him before he lets himself relax as well. 

Kendall swallows and shifts further down the bed so he can press his face into the crook of Carlos’ shoulder, breathing him in. He needs this. He needs Carlos and he doesn’t care what it takes, he isn’t going to give it up without a fight.


End file.
